Felicity's Futility

Happier moments

2006-01-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

C. on the beach in San Diego.

C. petting dolphins at Sea World.

Things have been so sad this past week that I never got around to blogging about the good stuff. Mike and I got married in San Diego on January 21st. The ceremony was beautiful, the weather was gorgeous, the setting was perfect, and Mike was incredibly handsome. I was a little scatterbrained, but everything worked out in the end. San Diego was amazing, and Conner and I both enjoyed the break from the winter weather.

It was actually our second wedding. When we found out my mother's condition was worsening significantly, a group of friends got together to fly Mike out here so that we could have a church wedding just for my mom. It was very last-minute and hurried, but it was the best gift we could have ever given her. It was the last day that she "was herself," the last time she ate, and the last time she left home before returning to the hospital.

Mike is here now, and I couldn't be happier. No more nightly phone calls and frequent trips to the airport. He's here...for good.

I'm sure I'll have more to say about the past couple of weeks as I digest it all. There will also be wedding pictures as soon as they make their way into my hands. Right now I'm just searching for normalcy.

Another obit

2006-01-25T09:48:00.000-05:00

From Germany.

She's...

2006-01-24T15:47:00.000-05:00

gone.

Relapse

2006-01-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

From www.labtests.com:
In an adult, a normal count is about 150,000 to 450,000 platelets per microliter (x 10^–6 /Liter) of blood. If platelet levels fall below 20,000 per microliter, spontaneous bleeding may occur and is considered a life-threatening risk.

She just left for the hospital to get a transfusion. Her count is 15,000.

Fun at the funeral home...

2005-12-31T22:52:00.000-05:00

...and other stories.

Today we went to the funeral home to plan my mom's funeral service. No, she's not dead yet. She just wanted to be sure that this was taken care of while she was still able to make her wishes known. We wrote her obituary. Talked about family. Who's gone already. Who will survive her. What she's done in her life that's worth mentioning at $7.50 per column inch in the newspaper. My dad sat and beamed as he told the funeral director about an award she won, the soldiers she baked cookies for, the restaurant she was waiting tables at when he met her, the people she's cooked for at the community kitchen... You could see in his eyes exactly how blessed he feels to have spent the past 31 years with her. You could also see the pain in knowing that there isn't going to be a 32nd year.

Every night now, I have dreams about her. They start out as something normal - eating dinner, shopping for groceries, watching something on television. Normal things that every family does. Quiet, calm, peaceful. She looks healthy. Not only does she still have her hair, but it looks perfect, shiny, and full. I always think to myself in these dreams that I'm jealous of how perfect her hair is. Quiet, healthy, pefect, yet somehow I wake up trying to catch my breath after everything de-evolves to screaming and anger. Not her at me, like it always was, but me screaming at her and calling her names. Not asking why she isn't honest and open about her illness, but shouting at the top of my lungs how much I hate what a fucking liar she is.

I know it's just my brain making up for all the things I haven't gotten around to saying. Things I'll never say because it serves no purpose. We weren't close before she got sick. We never spent more than an hour or two in eachother's company without a fight breaking out. Now we never fight. I hug her every time I leave. I smile and bite my tongue because fighting doesn't make any sense any more. That doesn't mean my brain doesn't need to do something with the words unsaid and the feelings bottled up. I just wish it didn't happen every night. Sometimes three or four times a night, waking up in a cold sweat. Wishing I didn't feel that way. Not on the surface, not even deep down inside.

She's home from the hospital. They let her out the week of my birthday. There's nothing they can really do for her any more. They can keep the fungi under control, but in the meantime they can't give her the chemotherapy she needs to keep her leukemia from relapsing. Without chemotherapy, the relapse will come any day now. They won't be able to treat it without the fungi growing out of control. When she relapses, she will die. We can see her getting sicker. She's been throwing up every day, several times a day for the past two weeks. First she told us it was a reaction to her medication (the same medication she's been taking, without incident, for months now). Now she says it's because food tastes so good that she eats too much (a week after she bemoaned the fact that her tastebuds were destroyed by the chemotherapy and nothing tastes good any more.) Even as she moves around the house, it looks like someone has pushed a button that makes her slower every day. Not enough to notice from one day to the next, but then you think back a week and realize that she's moving in slow motion.

At least she got to spend Christmas at home.

So it's been...

2005-11-26T20:56:00.000-05:00

...a pretty lousy week.

First the update on Mom, since I know that a good chunk of people come here to find out what's going on with her. She spent the week following her surgery unable to talk or move. She was being fed through a tube and her breathing was assisted. The doctors weren't sure at first why she wasn't "snapping out of it," but they finally figured out her electrolytes were out of balance. Last Saturday she spoke again for the first time. She's still very confused and gets tired very easily. I have been really sick lately, so I finally got to go see her today for the first time in a week. It's sort of like walking into a horror movie. She's aged thirty years in the past three months and talking to her is a challenge. She speaks, but it's a mixture of English and German and often doesn't make any sense. She doesn't realize when her actions or her speech are inappropriate, which is embarassing around the nurses and the kids. She's actually been getting worse and more confused as the week has gone by. We can see my dad starting to crack a bit, too. His speech patterns have been a little strange lately, which tends to indicate an upcoming breakdown. My sister and I are keeping a close eye on his behavior so that we can intervene before it gets out of hand. I could say that I don't want to deal with any of this any more, but that would be both obvious and futile.

Other reasons this week has sucked: I've been sick. I have a nasty chest cold that has been keeping me up at night and kept me from finishing the 5K race on Thanksgiving. I had been looking forward to this race since I started running in May, so it was really dissapointing that I had to stop. I ran the course last Saturday, so it's not a matter of me not being able to finish it under normal circumstances. I just wish I didn't feel so disappointed over something that was out of my control. If I can get to feeling better over the next week, I'll run a 5K in Rochester next weekend so that I can get one more in before the end of the year. Mike is going to come out to see me next weekend, so he's being extra sweet to take time out of his trip to cheer me on. While I'm sure he'd much rather sleep in Saturday morning, his encouragement of my goals at the expense of late mornings is just one of the countless things that reafirm how lucky I am to have found him. (Even when things suck, I can count on Mike to be a bright spot.)

I spent Thanksgiving alone at my house. After the failed attempt at the race, I was too sick to head out to my sister's house. Even if I had wanted to, the roads were in terrible condition from all of the snow. My dinner consisted of two frozen burritos, and dessert was a Tootsie Roll pilfered from my son's trick-or-treat bag. Other than that, I napped a lot and tried not to be too depressed about the race.

But things are looking up. I'm back to being pretty much caught up at work. My birthday is in just over a week. Mike is coming out to visit. I've been able to do quite a bit of housecleaning during the long weekend. I'm bound to start feeling better any day now. I have some crazy (but attainable) goals for running next year. I'm going to be married to an incredible man in less than two months. My kid is doing great in school. My tiny new nephew put on a whole pound last week. I'm still making progress on my bass playing. I need a belt for my new jeans. I got an amazing deal on airfare for C. and I for the wedding in San Diego. I get to leave the tundra of upstate New York in the middle of January to experience the west coast for the first time. I have friends who genuinely care about me. I've got a really good chance at getting a good, fun part-time job to help out with the recent financial crunch.

So many good things. I really shouldn't complain so much.

Update

2005-11-14T09:02:00.000-05:00

My mom's surgery:
She was scheduled to go in on Thursday morning, but her surgery wound up being pushed off until Friday afternoon. The procedure was expected to last six to ten hours. After a little less than two hours, the waiting room clerk called us to the desk and said the surgeon would be up in a couple of minutes to talk to us. It took about ten minutes for him to get up to the waiting room. He was looking at the floor and took us all aside into a separate room and closed the door. My sister was fighting back tears, and my mom's best friend was bordering on hysterics. We were all sure that she was gone, but apparently the surgery went much faster than expected. I could have cockpunched the surgeon for not saying something sooner or at least having less disheartening body language. She is still in the ICU, and not recovering from the surgery as quickly as the doctors had anticipated. I spent all day Saturday with her in the ICU, and while she could respond to things, it was obvious she was very disoriented. She thought I was her mother, and any time I left they said she cried out for her mom. I don't think I've ever experienced such emotional stress as I did holding her hand all day, reassuring her, and keeping her from pulling out her tubes. She didn't recognize my dad when he made it to the hospital Saturday night. He stayed with her all day Sunday and her condition didn't improve. They are probably going to put her back on a ventilator today because she is having trouble breathing on her own. But she's still alive.

I'll be going back to see her tonight after work. Hopefully she is a little more cognizant of what's going on. I hate to think that she's going to make her way back to reality and not have anyone she knows there with her. On a side note, one of her ICU nurses today is a girl I went to school with in Germany. Small world.

My sister:
She had her baby on Saturday morning. He was a month early. Luckily, I convinced her to head back home Friday night to take care of a few things, or else she would have gone into labor at the hotel and had her baby in Rochester. The baby is adorable (of course), and both mom and son are doing well. I told my mom about the baby while I was with her on Saturday. I know she didn't understand, but on some level she must have registered something. Later in the afternoon, she got a little agitated and said, "Baby's coming. Baby's coming." I can't begin to express how glad I am that she made it long enough to hopefully be able to see the new baby very soon.

My Fiancé:
He's coming to visit the weekend before my birthday! Here I was trying to figure out how I was going to make it until January before I got to see him again. Now I only have to wait a few weeks. The hard part will be letting him go back to San Diego once the weekend is over, but I know he'll be back for good at the end of January. With all of the emotional turbulence of the past few months, it's great to know that I can look forward to settling into normalcy with him soon. Sounds crazy, but I can't wait to be bored with him. Just to have a weekend with nothing to do, no trips to the hospital, no long distance phone calls, no cancer, no fungus, no stress...just being bored.

So much for...

2005-11-02T20:24:00.000-05:00

...the even keel.

The study drug my mother is on hasn't been as effective as the doctors had hoped. They have to remove her spleen. They don't know if they can perform surgery on her, since her platelet count is so low that she would run the risk of bleeding uncontrolably. Her oncologists will be talking to a surgeon tomorrow to determine if they can operate.

On the bright side (I'm trying here folks...really I am), the solid part of the marrow biopsy came back negative for leukemia. That's one thing less to worry about.

Things I'm conversant in today that I had next to no knowledge of two months ago:
(Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, so don't take any of this as fact. It's merely my understanding of what's going on with my mother. If you have questions about this kind of stuff, talk to a licensed medical professional.)
1. FAB typing of Acute Myeloid Leukemia. (That's French - American - British typing. It gives the doctors a better idea of a patient's prognosis based on the specific type of leukemia they have.) Types range from M0 to M7. My mother's type is M1 which has an "average" prognosis of 1 in 3 patients being alive after 5 years.
2. The spleen. Here I thought it was a digestive organ. Not even close. It's more of a circulatory and immune system kind of thing. It's more important in children, but is an adult's only line of defense against the germs that cause pneumonia, strep, staph, meningitis and some types of flu. That means if you don't have a spleen, you have to get lots of vaccinations and take antibiotics non-stop for at least two years following your splenectomy.
3. Fusarium and Fusariosis. That's the fungus and the name of the disease that my mother has. Seems like it's mostly found in the soil of house plants, but is also often present in hospital water systems (how or why, I have no idea). Most people who get system infections...well, they die. Those who don't can get cancer from the carcinogenic mycotoxins produced by the Fusarium fungus.
4. Posaconazole. That's the study drug that she's taking right now. It's already been approved for use in Europe, but is still in its third trial phase here in the States. It is a relatively effective antimycotic against fungi that are typically nonresponsive to traditional therapy (Amphotericin, Flucanozole, Miconozole, etc.) By effective, they don't necessarily mean "it cures the fungal infection." If you look at the studies, they call it a successful treatment if there is "complete or partial resolution" of the infection. They also don't have specific information available about the "success" rate against Fusarium.

I really wish I didn't know any of that.

Coasting...

2005-11-02T13:36:00.000-05:00

...for a minute.

For the past two months, this blog (as a reflection of my life) has been an absolute roller coaster. I'm not sure how each entry winds up being the polar opposite of the one before it, but for right now I'm going to attempt a neutral post.

I just got done with my lunchtime run. Since my mom got sick, I've been slacking a bit on the physical fitness front. I'm still eating well enough that I continue to lose weight, but without the running I definitely feel like something's missing. I want to use the excuse that things are too stressful, but I know the truth is that running helps me deal with the stress.

So I went out and did it today. (Thanks for the nudge in the right direction, Mike!) I feel great right now, and really hope that I can keep up the motivation. The local Thanksgiving Day Turkey Trot is coming up really quickly, and I'd like to be able to run the whole 5K. Ideally, I'd like to beat the time from my last race, but this late in the game I'll be happy just to finish. I'm going to turn in my race application tomorrow so that I have an added incentive to get going on this.

There...finally an even-keeled entry. That feels much better.

I'm not sure how it's possible...

2005-10-30T17:21:00.000-05:00

...but my mother is really doing so much better. On Thursday, at the doctor's advice, I called the local funeral director to let him know that she wouldn't be making it through the weekend. Today, she's back to walking through the halls of the hospital. If you could have seen the looks on the faces of some of the nurses when she walked out of her room the first time...nobody expected her to get better. She still has a long road ahead of her, and the fungal infection is still very severe, but after a few days of utter despair, we've all got a lot more hope that things will work out for the best. I've got a metric ton of work to catch up on, boatloads of emails needing replies, and money is going to be crazy tight for a while...but my mother is getting better. That really makes it all worth while.

I wish I could say that I handled everything maturely this weekend, but I had a couple of lapses in my good grace. I snapped at my sister a few times over trivial things and feel pretty lousy about that. The emotional load has just been so insane. I was the one that had to tell everyone she was going to die. I walked into the hospital on Thursday, not sure how much longer she was going to be cognizant enough to hold a conversation. Preparing myself for the worst and being told that it would take a miracle for her to survive this...that makes it so much harder for me to drop my guard and let my hopes back up. She's not out of the woods yet. Her organs are still very heavily diseased. She still has to stay in remission from the cancer. So many things could go wrong, and I don't know how I'll be able to handle it if they do. Thankfully I have the support of my family, friends, and fiancé to help carry me through.

A few more days

2005-10-26T21:00:00.000-04:00

The doctor talked to me at the hospital today. The infection has spread from her liver to her lungs and spleen. One or all of them are going to fail in the next few days. My dad thought she was going to be coming home this weekend. I had to call and tell him she was dying. Then I had to call my sister. It's going to be a rough couple of days.

The ring...

2005-10-25T17:28:00.000-04:00

... is here!!!

It's absolutely perfect. I got the best one. (And I'm not just talking about the ring.)

Trying hard...

2005-10-24T21:06:00.000-04:00

...not to cry.

Things are going pretty poorly with my mother right now. We had hoped she would come home from the hospital last week sometime. She's still there. She has a staph infection and a cyst on her liver. In the span of just over a week, she's gone from being in good spirits and ready to come home to barely being able to speak two words before running out of breath. She's had a very high fever all weekend, two liver biopsies since Friday, and has been hallucinating and disoriented. Her white blood cell count never had the chance to rebuild after the last round of chemo, so they've been giving her transfusions. It's still not enough to bring her count up to where she can fight the infection. They've pumped her full of antibiotics and that's just making her feel worse in other ways. Talking to her on the phone is painful. That just makes me feel selfish, since she's the one actually going through all of this. Last week she could at least make it through a couple of sentences before she ran out of breath and started mumbling.

I won't be able to get up to see her until Wednesday. We have a newsletter that needs to be mailed out of the bulk mailing center in Rochester, so my boss said that I could take it up there. Since it's technically for work, I won't have to shell out the $35 in gas that I usually would to go up to see her. I haven't been able to get up to see her nearly as much as I would like to. Normally, I can't go during the work day, and going in the evenings would mean taking C. with me. He doesn't need to see her in the condition she's in. Last time we were there, mom was hallucinating and saying strange things and it scared him a bit.

Everything feels so crazy right now. They got rid of the leukemia on the second round of chemo. I know that still means lots of maintenace chemotherapy and even then the chances aren't great. But she should be home right now. She shouldn't be more miserable now than she was going through two rounds of induction chemotherapy. She shouldn't be closing in on her 10th week in the hospital. She should be close to her family. She should be getting back into her daily routine. At this point we don't know if she'll make it through the month, or if she'll get to come home again. The antibiotics could kick in tomorrow, or they could never kick in. Hell, the doctors aren't even sure of where the infection is exactly in her body. I hate not knowing. I hate not being able to be there for her. I hate that she hasn't been coherent enough for me to tell her about the wedding. I hate having to wait until my kid is asleep to cry so that he doesn't get worried. I hate feeling selfish about crying.

I'm crying.

Something I never...

2005-10-12T09:58:00.000-04:00

...imagined I'd do.

I just ordered my wedding invitations. WOW! (That looks even stranger in print than it sounds when I say it out loud.)

The date is set. The venue is reserved. I'm getting married.
January 21, 2006

*does a little happy dance around the office*

Things are finally...

2005-10-10T10:09:00.000-04:00

...looking up.

My mom's latest bone marrow test came back free of leukemia. She still has a lot of chemo ahead of her and only a one in three chance of making it another 5 years, but things look so much better than they did this time two weeks ago. She might be home as soon as this coming weekend. I know she must be going nuts after a month and a half in the hospital. I'm going to help my sister get the house ready for her to come home. Dad has been a little lost as far ask keeping house while she's gone. I imagine it's been pretty tough for him to balance work, constant trips to the hospital, helping take care of my nephew, volunteer firefighter meetings, and just keeping his head screwed on straight. I know things won't be back to "normal" for a while, but it's nice to finally have some hope about the whole thing.

In other life-altering news...I'm getting married! (I couldn't be more excited.) Mike asked me to marry him in Niagara Falls last weekend. He was only supposed be in the area for the weekend of the Niagara Falls Fark party, but when his flight got delayed on Sunday, he decided to stay around another week and get to know the area. Having him at my house for a week was amazing. For the first time in as long as I can remember, everything felt like it had fallen into place. It was so hard to take him back to the airport on Saturday. He got to meet my family, and they seem to be really impressed with him. My friends all seemed to like him a lot as well. I can't wait for January. That's when he'll be coming back for good.

C. really seems to like him a lot, too. When I picked C. up from his dad's house last Sunday, I didn't tell him that Mike was going to be at our house. C. walked in, Mike said, "Hi, C.", and without batting an eye, C. replied "Hi, Mike," as if it was the most normal thing in the world to see him sitting there on the couch when he came home. I have to admit, it felt great to come home from work every day and have him there. He's an amazing guy, and I couldn't feel luckier to have found him.

Things aren't perfect yet, and there are a few things that I need to take care of before he moves out here, but it's so nice to have such an amazing future to look forward to. Three months ago, if you had told me I was going to fall in love and get engaged, I would have told you that you were crazy. It's amazing how the right person can change your outlook on everything.

PS - The engagement story (since it's too unique not to tell): Mike was going to propose to me at the Falls. We left the party for a little while and walked down the hill to look at the falls. It was his first time ever seeing them. I had no idea that he was planning on asking me to marry him right then. Good thing I didn't, because he didn't ask at the falls. He really had to pee, and I'm sure the rushing water wasn't making it any easier for him, so we only wound up spending about 10 minutes at the falls before heading back to the hotel. We started watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 DVDs and when the moment seemed right, he asked me. It was amazing and I was so oblivious to everything else that I didn't realize until several hours later that he had asked me to marry him (quite unintentionally) while we were watching the MST3K version of The Touch of Satan. I haven't stopped teasing him about his interesting timing since it happened. No proposal by the falls, no sweet music in the background or fancy dinner date. Just Mike, me.....and Satan. :P As much as I tease and joke, it really couldn't have been more perfect.

Climb aboard...

2005-09-25T19:53:00.000-04:00

...my emotional roller coaster.

What an emotionally turbulent month it has been. The news about my mom is frustrating, but still hopeful. Because of her progress on the first round of chemotherapy, the doctors are not willing to call her "primary refractory" yet. That means there's still a chance that they can get and maintain a remission. Of course, now we're back to the waiting game. She still has a few of days of chemotherapy left, then another week before they do the next bone marrow biopsy. At that time, we should have a much clearer idea of how well she's going to fare. Throughout all of this she has been amazingly positive and upbeat. I know that can't be an easy attitude to maintain, but she doesn't allow herself to slip into resentment or fear very often. I still haven't had time to sort through my feelings about everything. Between work, trips to the hospital, and helping my sister by watching her son, there hasn't been much free time to sit and digest things.

Not all has been doom and gloom, though. In one of those twists of fate usually reserved for bad romance novels and sappy chick flicks, I managed to have someone come into my life at the perfect time. I'm not sure how I would have made it through the past month without him there to help me carry all of the extra emotional weight. Our situation isn't ideal...yet. But in spite of all of the saddness in my life recently, I have so much hope for the future. You only have to read back a few months to know that I had pretty much given up hope of ever having a meaningful relationship. I had myself convinced that I could be perfectly happy on my own for the rest of my life. I couldn't have been more wrong, and I can't be more overjoyed to admit my mistake. We'll be spending a long weekend together in Niagara Falls starting on Thursday, and I'm positive that I haven't looked forward to anything with more excitement since I was a kid.

I know a few people are coming here for updates on my mom. I'll try to keep things as current as possible, but we really won't know anything new for a little over a week. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

More bad news.

2005-09-21T17:46:00.000-04:00

We found out yesterday that the induction chemotherapy didn't work. My mom started talking about watching the grandkids grow up "from the other side." She won't give us any specifics on her prognosis, so I called the American Cancer Society to see if they could give me any more information. They did some research (while I did some of my own) and "bleak" isn't the right word. Of patients who don't see complete remission from their induction chemotherapy (the word for that is primary refractory leukemia), they can get remission in anywhere from 30 - 50% of patients after a second round of induction. Of those who do achieve remission after the second round, 100% will relapse within 6 months. Even if she makes it through to remission, she still has very little time left before it comes back. I'm sure her doctors have told her this, as her outlook has changed a lot in the past couple of days. I can't imagine how hard it must be for her to figure out how to tell everyone.

My sister and I will talk to the doctors on Friday to verify what we're already sure is bad news. I don't know how my dad will ever be able to handle it.

Biopsy Results

2005-09-20T13:29:00.000-04:00

We got the results today and they were not good. She still has a lot of leukemia left and can't move on in her treatment until they get rid of all of it. They will do another 7 day cycle of chemotherapy, but even that doesn't look terribly promising at this point.

I finally managed to let go and cry today. Doesn't really make me feel any better.

:-(

2005-09-18T21:43:00.000-04:00

Just talked to my mom. Things don't look good. They won't get her biopsy results back until tomorrow or Tuesday, but her blood counts have been going down. The only reason her counts would be going down right now is that they didn't get rid of all of the leukemia. If she was in remission, her marrow would be producing enough good cells to start replenishing her blood after the chemo. They had to give her another transfusion today, when at this point she should be making enough red blood cells that she shouldn't need another transfusion until her next round of chemo.

She's been so cheery for everyone and hasn't even told my dad or my sister what's going on. For some reason, I'm the one she breaks down to. It's so strange, because we haven't been close for years. I asked my sister tonight if my mother has cried around her at all since this whole thing started, and she said no. She's broken down to me several times. I don't know why she picks me. I'm glad she feels like she has someone she can let go with, though. She kept telling me she wasn't upset because she was sick, she just missed us all so much. I told her it was ok to be upset about being sick. I told her that right now she must feel incredibly helpless and out of control. That would make anyone upset. I told her that nobody would hold it against her if she needed to cry about things. It's not like her to be helpless, and that has to be a tough transition. She kept saying that "whatever happens we need to pull together." I know she's scared right now.

I really want to cry right now, but C. isn't all the way asleep yet. When he heard me telling my sister what was going on he got up out of bed and climbed on my lap and just held me. After I got off the phone with her, he told me that he didn't want me to be sad. I don't want to put any more stress on him than he's already dealing with.

:(

Somebody must...

2005-09-09T13:22:00.000-04:00

...really love me!

(Even the scowling WD-40 can on top of my monitor looks a little happier.)

First...

2005-09-07T12:25:00.000-04:00

...day of first grade.

Isn't he adorable?

ugh.

2005-09-02T09:52:00.000-04:00

So yesterday, my mom goes to the doctor because she's been getting progressively weaker for the past couple of weeks. By the afternoon, she was in the ER getting a blood transfusion, and now she's in the hospital in Rochester getting ready to start chemotherapy for leukemia. I'm still in quite a bit of shock over the whole thing. I'll be driving up to be with her while they do a bone marrow test later today. Any well wishes and prayers would be greatly appreciated.

No looking..

2005-08-24T13:21:00.000-04:00

...back.

Will he ever give up?

The Moronic Ex (12:06:33 PM): hey
felicity (12:06:39 PM): what's up
The Moronic Ex (12:06:46 PM): whats going on with C. tonight
felicity (12:07:10 PM): I'll have him here at the shop when it's time to take him to practice.
The Moronic Ex (12:07:26 PM): ok
The Moronic Ex (12:07:30 PM): have his ball?
felicity (12:07:41 PM): He will
The Moronic Ex (12:07:49 PM): ok
felicity (12:07:53 PM): He needs to take some water with him.
The Moronic Ex (12:08:00 PM): i have that
The Moronic Ex (12:14:06 PM): hows life going?
felicity (12:14:29 PM): So far so good
The Moronic Ex (12:14:44 PM): cool
The Moronic Ex (12:16:39 PM): i must admit you look good
felicity (12:16:58 PM): Thanks. I still have a long way to go, but I'm making progress.
The Moronic Ex (12:17:09 PM): yea
The Moronic Ex (12:17:18 PM): i'm pretty impressed
The Moronic Ex (12:17:46 PM): especially sunday when i dropped C. off i was like damn
felicity (12:18:09 PM): I'm only about a third of the way to where I need to be.
The Moronic Ex (12:18:40 PM): well its obvious you're making progress
felicity (12:19:36 PM): Good to know.
The Moronic Ex (12:20:37 PM): well i have noticed big time

As nice as it is to know my recent efforts at getting into shape are paying off, it's getting annoying to have to pretend like I don't notice every time my (married) ex tries to hit on me. He keeps trying...I keep ignoring him. I'm not sure what he expects. Am I supposed to hear his empty compliment, forget the horrible things he used to say, and beg him to let me be "the other woman?" Why would he even bother? It's even more obnoxious in person than it is online.

Especially in light of the events of the past couple of days (*smile* *blush* *smile some more*), I would be a fool to focus on anything but the amazing potential for good things to happen in the future.

I do look pretty good, by the way. ;)

The nicest thing...

2005-08-23T23:28:00.000-04:00

...someone has publicly said about me in a long time is in here somewhere. The feeling is quite mutual.

smile

2005-08-23T11:08:00.000-04:00

That's it. Just *smile*.

The best...

2005-08-22T17:37:00.000-04:00

...lousy day ever.

So...I had an incredibly craptacular day at work today. Something went kind of wrong here last week, and I found out today that it had managed to go even wrong-er since then. Nothing like starting out the week on a stressful note.

Why then was it the "best" lousy day ever? Well, for a couple of reasons. One of them is that a very sweet friend of mine, realizing I was having a lousy day, sent me a big yummy fruit basket. It was so unexpected and came at such an absolutely perfect time that I couldn't help but feel better as I munched on grapes and apples all afternoon.

Reason #2 that it was the "best" lousy day ever: a phone call. Today literally started (almost exactly at midnight) with a conversation that has managed to put a smile on my face every time I think about it. (smiling now) I'm not 100% sure about the other party, but I know that between the silly stories and the excessive giggling I was having a really good time. Thinking about that has really helped take the edge off of the less fun stuff going on at work today.

So Monday was lousy...oh well. I suspect I have a few good things to look forward to in the near future.

Now with even less...

2005-08-20T19:36:00.000-04:00

...lips.

I had the burning urge to eat lots of naughty things after my hour and a half workout today. I knew I couldn't so I came up with a compromise. I'd like to go on record as saying that fat free hot dogs are f***ing disgusting. I'm thinking that in order to lower the fat content, they just uppped the asshole/lip ratio.

There's lots less fat in them there assholes.

Wonders...

2005-08-19T14:30:00.000-04:00

...never cease.

It would appear that the world is not nearly as devoid of genuinely good people as I had imagined it was. Days like today remind me to count my blessings for being fortunate enough to stumble across one every now and then.

Doesn't get any...

2005-08-14T14:38:00.000-04:00

....better than this!

Well...here's the report. I DID IT!!!!! I ran my race yesterday morning, and I didn't even come in dead last (91 out of 92...close, but NOT dead last).

Of course (even with all of the warnings from more experienced racers) I went too fast my first mile. My first split was two minutes faster than I thought I was even capable of running a mile. I was already feeling pretty worn out at that point between the fast pace and the high humidity, so I had to slow it down a bit.

The last half mile was a real struggle for me, but I knew as long as I could see the finish line that there was no way I could stop running until I got there. By the time I crossed, I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I just started crying. (Took me almost an hour to stop!) I called everyone I knew to share the news, and then tried to calm down enough to enjoy the great post-race food (Outback Steakhouse chicken sandwiches and caesar salad....yummmmy!).

It all still seems a little surreal. Less than three months ago I couldn't run for 30 seconds without stopping. Yesterday I ran an entire 5K. I never cease to be amazed at the adaptablility of the human body (especially a less than perfect specimen like my own). I think it's safe to say I've got the 5K bug now and will probably try to run one a month as long as I can fit it into my schedule.

PS - I may not have placed in the race, or even won any door prizes, but I definitely got a nice reward in Pennsylvania afterwards. ;) Thanks again, Benjamin.

Any chance...

2005-08-11T09:45:00.000-04:00

...I could just fade away to where ever all the other passing fancies go to pretend like their self-esteems haven't been marred a little?

Last time I checked, I wasn't holding anyone at gunpoint to ensure that they remain my friend. Why, then, would someone, upon discovering I am unable to offer what they're after, find it necessary to be cruel? What happened to "Nice talkin' to 'ya. Hope everything works out," or even "I'm gonna be really busy for the next couple of months," followed by a slow fade to black?

I've met a lot of incredibly interesting people over the past year. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to find a complete jerk or two in the process.

Patting myself...

2005-08-04T23:15:00.000-04:00

...on the back.

I just ran for 50 minutes, non-stop. I am amazing.

(In case you can't tell, I'm not down on myself any more.)

Then why do I feel...

2005-08-01T10:12:00.000-04:00

...so lousy?

I had a couple of major accomplishments this weekend, enough that I should be absolutly elated right now. I'm not. I don't know why I insist on playing mind games with myself. It's as pointless as cheating at solitaire. No one ever has to know but me, but even if I win, I'm going to feel crappy about it in the end. But more about that later. First the accomplishments.

This might not sound like much to anyone who doesn't understand the background, but I'm pretty impressed with myself about it. Backstory: I am usually a pretty eloquent person. Social situations don't typically cause me very much anxiety and I actually enjoy getting out and meeting new people. There are, however, a handful of people on this planet (mostly male) around whom I seem to be incapable of saying anything redeeming. Two of them were at the same social gathering as I was this weekend. How bad can it be, you ask? Well the last words out of my mouth to one of them (maybe 4 years ago) were, "When I said I wanted to have your love child, I meant I wanted to have your intellectual love child." (Pretty horrible, huh?) The other guy must have a tape somewhere of embarrassing drunken phone messages from me offering...nay, begging to perform a wide variety of lewd sexual acts, no strings attached. He'd be crazy not to have saved them (yes, there were many over the course of several years) for entertainment at parties. Well, both of them were there this weekend, and not only did I manage to not say anything stupid, I actually fought the instinctual bad judgement to even approach them at all. Of course, I'd have to act that "normal" around them for another couple of decades before I could ever hope to attain a level of respect from either of them. We'll just have to consider this one small step towards not appearing to be such a psycho.

Accomplisment #2 (this is the tainted one): I finished the Couch to 5K program last night. Nine weeks, and I can actually call myself a runner. I went into the program with a lot of enthusiasm, but with lingering doubts that someone of my "stature" could attain that level of fitness. Deep down, I figured I'd make it about half-way through before I wimped out or just lost interest. Now I can't imagine not running. So, what's the down side? Well, one of the multitude of excuses I made to push off starting an exercise regimen was that I was worried what people would think if they saw me out walking, or running, or riding my bike. I was sure that they'd laugh or at the very least wonder what someone "like me" was trying to accomplish. I just had to tell myself that it really didn't matter what anyone else thought. Sure, I might look ridiculous out there running, but every day I look goofy I'm one day closer to looking really hot. (That's actually my running mantra: "I'm gonna be so hot. I'm gonna be so hot.....) Once I got it through my head that silly excuses were all that was holding me back, I ran in broad daylight, at the park, through populated neighborhoods, past attractive people...it just didn't matter what they thought. Well, last night I had a slip-up that left me feeling pretty ashamed. I knew that I needed to run. I usually run at the park. I knew that my son's father would be at the park playing softball. I tried to convince myself that it might be nice to run at the track at the college instead of the park for a change of pace. Suuuure, change of scenery. That's it. Don't want to get bored running at the park. I wouldn't let myself admit that the reason I wasn't going to run at the park was because A. was there with his friends and he might see me and...what? What the hell was I worried about? I guess I still haven't gotten over the fact that when we were together, I wasn't allowed to take my son to the park on Sundays, because his friends might see me. He didn't want to be embarassed that he was dating a "big girl." I know it's crazy for me to even let that bother me at all after 4 years and some major self-esteem improvements. I'm not some hideously embarrassing beast, so why should I be worried about what my ex or his friends or anyone thinks about me? But the college was close, and I needed a change of pace, and I should be thrilled that I finished the program. Just like cheating at solitaire.

I am...

2005-07-18T12:40:00.000-04:00

...a rock goddess!

O.K. Maybe that's a little hyperbolic, but I did make it through my first "official" gig as a bass guitarist this weekend. Even the word "gig" might be a bit of an exaggeration, as it was only two songs, but I played them...on a bass...in front of people. To be entirely honest, it was pretty much a stereotypical "losing your virginity" kind of thing. It was quick, it was somewhat awkward, I was so worried about making a mistake that I barely remember anything that happened, and now that I've "broken my cherry" I might actually enjoy it the next time. I've already been given a much longer list of songs to learn, so I might be doing more of this in the near future.

Let's see...what else is new? I totally blew by my blog's first birthday without even noticing. I think most people at least make mention of it, but I completely forgot that it has been that long. I'm a little surprised that I'm still writing in it with any kind of regularity. I sort of figured that I'd fall into that statistical 3-month trap and then 20 years from now I'll stumble across my old, negelected blog and laugh embarrasingly over the silly things I thought up over 100 or so days in my late twenties. I guess I have a little more dedication than I give myself credit for.

A clarification...

2005-07-11T12:26:00.000-04:00

...is in order.

In a previous post I described someone as "Young, Creative, and Well-Endowed." All those are accurate adjectives, but I have a few more to add to the list (in alphabetical order, for lack of a better way to prioritize):

confident
direct
equitable
friendly
generous
handsome
honest
insightful
intelligent
passionate
perceptive (when he's not at a pancake house)
perdurable
realistic
salacious
satisfying
talented
tall
tantalizing
tasty
teasing
witty
wise (yes...even at that age)

Twenty-two words can hardly sum up such a facinating person, but they're all I could muster and alphabetize on my lunch break.

For two utterly incompatable people, we somehow managed to have an interesting time. Thanks for the weekend, Benjamin.

Buffalo is...

2005-07-08T18:55:00.000-04:00

...awesome!!!!

That is all. (for now)

Off to...

2005-07-04T13:26:00.000-04:00

...the races.

Mark your calendars, folks, because history is going to be made on August 13, 2005. What monumental event is occuring in just over a month, you ask? Well, let me tell you all about it, or you could just link to their web site:

The Stepping Stones Learning Center Race to Make the Pieces Fit 5K Race for Autism

That's right, everyone, it is my first official race as a "runner." I'm not entirely sure how it is possible that my fitness level has improved so much over so short a span of time, but I will be ready to run my first 5K race mere weeks after having embarked on the journey to become a runner. Now, of course, I don't plan on winning the race, or even placing in my age group. Just finishing without walking is going to be a major accomplishment for me. Until last week, I hadn't ever been able to run a non-stop mile in my life, much less the over 3 miles that I will be running in the race. (Six weeks ago I was huffing and puffing to make it through 60 consecutive seconds of jogging.) Thanks to the brilliant Couch To 5K program and their built in support system, I've done something I'm pretty sure no one (least of all myself) ever expected out of me.

What does all of this have to do with you? Well, I'm going to ask for a little bit of help, here. Primarily, a word or two of encouragement would be fantastic. I've been relatively private about the whole fitness thing up until now, so I've had to rely mostly on myself for motivation. Another thing that you could do is help me make my fund-raising goal for the race. I know that donation buttons on random people's blogs are sketchy at best, so I don't blame you for passing on this one, but I figured I'd put it up just in case. Any donations, however small, are appreciated, and you can check out the Stepping Stones Learning Center website for more information on where the money will be going.
Again, please don't feel obligated in any way to donate. I'd like to contribute to their cause as much as possible, but I'm much more interested in a little encouragement from my readers.
-------------------------------------------
For those of you who have expressed concern about my last post, "Thank You." It has not been an easy time for my family lately. My Dad has stabilized quite a bit, and hopefully everyone directly involved has learned from this. Your continued thoughts and prayers are always greatly appreciated.

Forgive me...

2005-06-20T20:13:00.000-04:00

...if I ramble a bit, but it has been an exhausting weekend.

In the past 72 hours I have:

driven at least two thirds of the round trip between upstate New York and Memphis, Tennessee. (At least 22 hours behind the wheel for me.)
avoided looking into the painfully unfamiliar eyes of the honest, caring, intelligent, funny, creative, and daring man I tried so hard to emulate when I was growing up.
dreamt, the few times I've closed my eyes, in exquisite detail of the frantic phone call from an Arlington psychiatric hospital in 1997 that couldn't have possibly been about my father, but somehow was.
reassured those I most wanted to blame for letting it come to this again.
nodded hundreds of times at doctors and coworkers and total strangers who were almost too embarassed to recount the irrational behavior, as I visualized the lurid "You're never going to believe what he did" conversations they had already had with their spouses, friends, and whoever might have been in earshot after the third or fourth beer at their favorite bar.
repeatedly reminded a grown man that he needed to drink when he was thirsty and eat when he was hungry, knowing that he would blissfully ignore even his most basic needs.
felt intense shame, not for his behavior, but for my visceral selfishness.
allowed myself the luxury of exactly three tears.

Tomorrow I need to:

wash clothes.
stay focused enough to catch up at work.
explain to my son that his favorite person in the world can't be at his graduation from Kindergarten.
list my DVD collection on ebay to make up for the rent and bill money that funded my weekend "getaway" to the land of Elvis.
continue to reassure those I most want to blame for letting it come to this again.

Now I need to:

sleep.

I just can't bring myself to close my eyes.

Don't say...

2005-05-30T13:22:00.000-04:00

...it's over. A perfectly good long weekend, and I've been too busy to take full advantage of it. Here's the bulleted rundown of what's been going on lately: (one of these days I'll start writing regularly enough that I don't have to rely on brief recaps....sure I will.)

I've never been unemployed for more than two weeks since I started working at the age of 15. In the past 14 years I've managed to rack up a ton of experience in just about any field you could imagine (and some you'd never guess in your wildest dreams). Now I can add "Vegetarian Chef" to my resume. The coffee shop was a little short staffed this weekend, and I got to help out. Hosting Trivia Night on Wednesday was a breeze; helping out in the kitchen Thursday through Saturday was a little more stressful. Being a busy single parent, rare is the time that anything non-microwavable is prepared in my house, so "real" cooking was quite a change of pace for me. The pressure was definitely on, but I had a lot of fun in the process. I don't know that I'd make a career of it, but as long as nobody dies of food poisoning in the next week or so, I'll consider it a valuable learning experience.
I hit a milestone on my path towards physical fitness last night. I won't go into detail, because it doesn't really sound that impressive, but suffice it to say I was ecstatic when I got home from the park last night. It's odd for me to see where I am after a couple of months of this. I started being more active and paying attention to what I was eating, not because I wanted to lose weight or run a marathon or anything. For the first time in my life it's more about feeling good than about any concrete goal. I feel good.
I'm not sure if it's the weight that I've lost or the confidence I seem to have gained lately (probably the confidence, since the weight isn't that noticeable yet), but things are looking up on the Felicity's-Ability-To-Get-Some-Action front. Here I was worried that I wasn't going to be getting laid again until 2007. I still haven't found my dream man (you know, the one who wants to have strictly non-committal hot monkey sex three or four times a week), but I'll definitely be needing to replenish the condom stockpile here shortly. I'm sure that when I find it "Real Love" will be fantastic, but in the meantime, there's something to be said for "Young, Creative, and Well-Endowed." ;)
I've had quite a few guesses as to what the big secret project is. I'll tell you what it's not: I'm not moving to Costa Rica next month. I'm not taking over the coffee shop. It has nothing to do with my increased interest in physical fitness. It also has nothing to do with my sex life.
How much my ticket from last month's accident cost me: $100
I REALLY need to clean my house.

I guess that's more than enough for now. Who know's when I'll be back again.

A physical fitness tip you can actually use...

2005-05-25T12:36:00.000-04:00

Jogging is even less fun when you're wearing a thong.

(Even a really cute purple one with a butterfly on it.) <------Don't click that unless you're prepared to see my ass in a thong. You have been warned.

I've decided...

2005-05-18T19:58:00.000-04:00

...to go for it. What's "it," you may ask? "It" is something that I've been tossing around in my mind for a while, but haven't actually committed myself to trying until last night. Only one other person on the planet knows what "it" is, and if I don't know you personally, I might even tell you if you ask me really nicely in an email. (That should drive the Flock of Geeks (M., F., & N.) nuts, since I'm not typically very secretive with my friends.) It will probably take me a couple of weeks to get things rolling, and then, if my research is anywhere near correct, I should know more sometime this fall or winter. Mostly I just have to get through the first couple of weeks, though. The "knowing more later" isn't nearly as important as sticking my neck out and actually getting this done. (Too cryptic?...Too bad!)

Today was C.'s birthday. Six years old...I can't believe it. He's come a long way from being the helpless infant who couldn't sleep without Chicago's Greatest Hits Volume One playing in the background. We're not talking about an inability to fall asleep without it playing; if you turned it off at any point during the night, he would wake up screaming in an instant. I must have listened to that cd 10,000 times by the time he turned one. Peter Cetera's voice now evokes about the same physical and emotional response in me that most people would have if their eardrums were being assaulted by an army of sugary sweet (but somehow unquestionably evil) miniature gummi bears armed with really tiny, really sharp spears. (<-----That there, folks, is an astonishingly bad metaphor that took way too long to fine-tune for me to abandon it when I realized it didn't really work. Sorry!) 80's Chicago = Instant Headache for Felicity. (There. That was much more concise.) More to the point, however, the birthday was nice. He had a party on Saturday with his dad's side of the family, and will have another one this coming Sunday with my side. Today, I spent the afternoon with his Kindergarten class, helping read stories and hand out cupcakes. We had dinner at the coffee shop, which was fantastic. They make a special sandwich there, just for him (Nutella and fresh banana slices on thick, fresh, Italian bread...yummmmm!). After dinner, we hung around the shop for a bit, and I taught him how to play Connect Four. He didn't want to quit until he beat me fair and square. (He always seems to know when I'm "letting him win.") He's a great kid, and I'm very lucky to have him.

Hmmmmm...I'm trying to think of the things you may have missed in my month of non-blogging.

I've had a few bass-playing epiphanies in the past couple of weeks and have made so much headway that I've even impressed myself a few times. Since I'm so hyper-critical of myself, that's really saying a lot.
Still no down-time at work, but the workload is significantly more manageable than it was this time last month.
I REALLY need to clean my house, which probably explains my renewed interest in blogging. (Who, me, procrastinate?...Never!)
After 6 years, I'm finally back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I've lost over 30 pounds this year. I haven't talked about it much, because I'm trying to make it more of a lifestyle change than a diet. Now that I've made it well past the "40 days and it's a habit" threshold, I guess I can at least mention it in the blog. I've been doing an hour of some sort of exercise (bike 10 miles, walk 3 miles, etc.) every day on my lunch break. My boss has been very accommodating and is actually going to be buying me an eliptical machine to keep at the shop for days when I can't make it out. (Have I ever mentioned that I have the best boss in the world? First, free Guinness (or comparable quality beer) whenever I have to work overtime, then the massaging office chair, now this...Wow! I am too lucky!) I've also been replacing some of the less responsible dietary choices I've made in the past with lots of fruit, fat-free yogurt, and more white meat and soy protien. Nothing drastic, really...I've just been thinking things through before I shove my face. The calories I save in a weeks worth of workouts and reasonable eating leave plenty of room for treats whenever the mood strikes me. Seems to be working.
My reading habits have shifted a bit lately and I've found myself really drawn to non-fiction. I think it has something to do with the fact that I haven't spent a lot of time "actively" learning since college. Sure, I try to glean as much information from my day to day experiences as I can. I read all of the science magazines and try to stay informed about current events, but I haven't actually sat down with the intention of expanding my knowledge on a topic that really interests me. Now that I've started, I can't get through the books fast enough. I don't imagine I'll ever teach myself calculus, but I'm really enjoying some things that I would have dismissed a few months ago as being too dry to include in my casual reading.

Ehhh...I guess that's enough for now. I should probably do some dishes or something before bed. (I'm leaning way more towards "something" than I am towards the dishes.) That and I've got to get to work on that "top secret" project. Wish me luck.

Spank me...

2005-05-10T21:56:00.000-04:00

...I've been naughty. I haven't kept up with the old blog as well as I should have over the past month or so. Between t-ball games, the biggest project of the year at work, crashing my car (well...my car is fine, but the other lady's is pretty well "crashed"), writing letters to my Marine in the desert, attempting (but mostly failing) to keep a reasonably clean house, and making a little time every now and then to practice bass...well, the blog has fallen a bit in my list of priorities.

I don't know if it's the stress of a busy couple of months, or the pain killers I'm on for my whiplash, but I've been feeling a bit stand-offish lately. Everyone and everything is getting on my nerves and I am fully aware that it is just me being hyper-sensitive. (Nothing like knowing where to place the blame.) Unfortunately for everyone and everything, that means I've been a bit of bitch for no good reason lately.

Spring is finally here. I can say that for certain because the maple trees are finally getting their leaves. I'm never willing to concede that winter is gone for good until I can actually see those tiny, fragile, green leaves popping out of their winter hiding places. I'm in a bit of a quandry, as I am certain I have some hardcore "Spring Fever" going on. It's not really directed at anyone in particular, but actually about half a dozen different people at any given time. I'm pretty sure it's just some sort of primal mating instinct, as I'm not even remotely interested in connecting with anyone on any sort of intellectual, spiritual, or romantic level right now. I just need a penis to be inserted into my vagina. (That's "fancy talk" for I really need to get laid.) Alas, with no tattoo conventions in the near future and nary a palatable prospect on the scene, I'm doomed to kill kittens (see the seventh definition on the page) several times a day until the hormones drop back to a reasonable level.

There are a lot of things I feel like bitching about right now (the t-ball fiasco, my inability to obey traffic devices, etc.), but I just don't have the energy. Besides, I realize that I'm hormonally irrational right now and given a couple months time (or a really hard-pounding session of amour de la mode des chiens (I don't actually speak French, so I bet that's not right)) I'm sure I will get over it.

I'll try to bump the blog up a bit in the priority list, but no promises.

blargh!

Time for a quick...

2005-04-02T17:08:00.000-05:00

...confession.

I'm not a particularly picky eater, but I haven't eaten shrimp since the night of my senior prom in 1992. I won't go into too much detail (not to save space, but because it's exquisitely embarassing), but there was a choking mishap involving a jumbo shrimp and the demonstration of certain sex act. It wasn't like anyone had to do the Heimlich maneuver at the Howard Johnson's, but my date did wind up going home with someone else that night.

I swear, I am much more socially adjusted now and almost never demonstrate sex acts at the dinner table any more.

Maybe someday I'll meet a guy...

2005-03-22T19:36:00.000-05:00

...who actually thinks before he speaks. I'm sure there must be at least one out there, but he can't be found among the ranks of those who call themselves my exes.

First, a little background. Last week, my son's great-grandmother (on A.'s side of the family) passed away. Friday night I went to pick up C. at the funeral home and talked to A. and a few members of his family. Before I left, I gave A. a hug. Not even a particularly heartfelt hug, just a "prove I'm not a total heartless bitch" kind of a gesture. Today, A. instant messages me:

moronic ex: hows C.?
felicity: Doing well.
moronic ex: good
moronic ex: i was worried about him
felicity: He seems to be dealing with it ok. I really think he's more upset that other people are upset than anything. It's hard for him to see everyone so sad.
moronic ex: yea
moronic ex: it felt good when you hugged me
(This is where I started cringing a little out of embarrasment for him.)
moronic ex: thanks
felicity: No problem. I hate to see people upset too.
moronic ex: glad to see you still care
felicity: I'm not the stone cold bitch everyone seems to think I am. I just have priorities.
moronic ex: ?
felicity: Your family seems to think I'm cold, but I'm just focused on making life good for me and C.
moronic ex: cool
moronic ex: i know you are a good mother
moronic ex: it kind of made me think about our past
(Now where's the Yahoo messenger smiley for "you're about to jam your foot into your mouth, so take a second and consider the potential repercussions of what you are going to say?)
moronic ex: do you ever think about us in the past?
(Did I mention he got married a couple of months ago?)
felicity: I don't do a whole lot of dwelling on the past. Things are on the brink of going really well right now, so I just stay focused on that.
(I think I handled that as diplomatically as I possibly could have..don't you?)
moronic ex: cool
moronic ex: good for you
moronic ex: well tell conner i said i love him
felicity: I will.
moronic ex: alright later
felicity: Later.

Do I ever think about our past? Hmmm...would that be the past when he made me duck in the car when his friends walked by, so that they wouldn't see that he was dating someone that didn't live up to what he thought his standards should be. Or maybe the time he told me that we couldn't get married because I was fat and he wanted to have "nice wedding pictures." Perhaps I should think about the Sundays that I wasn't allowed to take C. to the park, because A. was playing softball and his teammates might see me. (Mind you all, that while there aren't any fashion magazines begging me to grace their covers (this week), I'm not what most people would consider to be an embarrassingly unattractive person.) Ah, the good old days. I can't imagine why I don't sit around dwelling on what a wonderful life I gave up.

This isn't the first time since he started dating B. that he's implied that he might like to get back together, but it is the first time since he got married. I also noticed his Yahoo personal ad is still online and get's checked every couple of weeks. That ad is a shining example of why I backed off from the whole online dating thing. Let's take this one for a point by point analysis (since I'm feeling a little vindicive now):

He lists himself as single living with roommates.
Does he count the 3 month old as a roommate, or just his wife?

He says that he's a college grad employed full time in the science/technical/engineering field.
He hasn't gotten his Associate's Degree yet and has been cleaning carpets part time for about a decade now. If he were actually employed full time in ANY field, I imagine I would be getting more than $25 a MONTH (yes, that's "month" not "week") in child support.

He says he's 5'10" with an athletic build.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
gasp, gasp, gasp
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
More like 5'8" with sneakers on, and as for the rest of it, I guess it depends on how athletic you happen to find the average sumo wrestler.

His "In my own words" description: Fun! Outgoing, nice, and considerate! Love sports. Very Active. Loves to walk. Funny. Loves kids and pets. Intellegent.
Fun - if fun includes strictly scheduling your evenings around any pro-wrestling event that might be on TV.
Love Sports - So much so that I could tell which of his favorite teams was playing on any given day by what underwear he was wearing. Yes...he showed his support of the Yankess, Bears, and Hawks (snicker, snicker) by wearing team logo boxer shorts on game days. I'll let you imagine what happened on days when more than one of his favorite teams played.
Very active - ummmm...no.
Loves to walk - This one's good...real good. Of course he loves to walk. He's 32 years old and has yet to get around to getting his driver's license. Until he finds a woman willing to give him piggy-back rides, it's probably good that he's made his peace with a pedestrian lifestyle.
Funny - Maybe not intentionally, but this personal ad is comedy gold.
Loves kids and pets - just read any of my posts from August through December to get a good idea of how wrong that is.
Intellegent - It's amazing how one typo can say so much about a person.

OK, OK...enough vitriol for one evening. Thank goodness I came to my senses and grew a self-esteem. Wow. To think that, barring a couple of twists of fate, I might have actually married that man.

It's been...

2005-03-19T16:57:00.000-05:00

...a while. Yeah, I've neglected the blog a bit. To my defense, I just put in consecutive 60 and 88 hour weeks at work, so blogging has fallen in my list of priorities a bit. Here's the slightly fragmented rundown. I may or may not choose to elaborate on some of this stuff later.

Spring is right around the corner (not that we're due to see anything above about 45 degrees for a couple of weeks yet), and I'm going through some emotional turbulence. I think it's a combination of exhaustion from work and a little too much introspection lately, but I've got that "boiling-over" feeling again.

I've been having remarkably vivid dreams the past few nights, that have left me a little unsettled. That's quite out of the ordinary for me, since my dreams are usually really absurd or fade as soon as I wake up. An old friend of mine from Germany has been a recurring character in a lot of these dreams, and I keep wanting to email her to tell her, but am not quite sure what to say after all this time. She shows up in my dreams as varying degrees of a hybrid of the 12 year old I had sleepovers with and the woman that my brain has constructed from the digital bits and pieces I've read over the past several years. In the dreams she's usually delivering a message to me or imparting some kind of important news. I'm not sure why she would pop out of my subconscious all of a sudden. It might be my anticipation of spring, as I have always fancied her to be a sort of flower. Not one of those delicate, lacy flowers, but a strong-stalked, bulb-rooted, vibrant tulip. Hmmm...I don't imagine that makes much sense to anyone. Too bad.

Next topic: music. I finally managed to play bass (the new Michael Kelly Dragonfly 5-string fretless...YAY!) in public last weekend. I wasn't the next John Paul Jones, but I didn't suck entirely either. Thanks to the host of the event, my Behind the Music can include a brief bit about the country-fied version of a ~~Guns 'n Roses~~ Poison classic I played bass on during my first live set (complete with harmonica and washboard). Many thanks to Anton for putting up with the "remedial" musicians while waiting for the real talent to show up. He has an uncanny knack for making sure that no one is left out and everyone has a good time.

Also in the music department, my boss K. turned me on to an album that I can't stop listening to. He told me to order Astral Weeks by Van Morrison and that it would "change the way I listened to music forever." I ordered it to humor him and kind of figured that I'd listen to it and have to fake enthusiasm when it didn't actually "move" me. I got the cd at work on Tuesday and popped it in while K. was on lunch. By the time he got back I was already in tears. I can't quite verbalize what I feel about the album (maybe after another 50 listening sessions I'll come up with something), but K. was right. About as life-altering as music gets.

Well...that's going to have to do it for now. I have a couple of birthday parties to attend tonight. More whenever I get a minute.

Have you ever...

2005-02-22T17:11:00.000-05:00

...had one of those days where it feels like you accidently hit the "Alternate Universe" button instead of the snooze bar on your alarm clock when you woke up? Well, today (and yesterday, to a lesser extent) have been those kind of days for me. I'll give you the synopsis of today's surreal experience and catch up on yesterday in another entry, as I am having dinner with a friend this evening. Here goes:

I'm typing a mile a minute, sorting through some paperwork with client for a project we're working on, sneaking in bites of the lunch I order three hours ago, and ironing out the details of my plan for world peace with whatever thinking power I still have in the back of my mind. The phone rings. It's a friend/former co-worker/sometimes client of the print shop. She now runs a marketing company in town and helps local business with promotion and development.

Rough transcript of conversation:

Friend: Hey there Felicity. Since we're friends and all, I wanted to be sure you wouldn't be upset about something.
Felicity: (a little concerned) Well...what shouldn't I be upset about.
Friend: Your cousin J. came in today and asked if I could help him promote his new business.
Felicity: And....
Friend: Well, I said I couldn't help him, and I hope your not upset.
Felicity: Not at all, I wouldn't do business with him either. So...what's his new business idea anyway? Pawning off his disgusting home-brewed beers, or just selling weed out of his parents' basement?
Friend: Neither actually. (Realizing now that I'm not particularly heartbroken over the fact that she turned him down.) His idea for a business is (and she didn't skip a beat here) that he wants to be the guy at parties that people throw pies at.

End transcript.

Let me repeat that for those of you who might not have absorbed it the first time. My cousin wants to start a business in which he will be the guy at parties that people throw pies at. (For all of you grammar nazis out there...yes I ended my sentence with a preposition, but this is so preposterous, I don't care.) Oh, yeah...and people are supposed to pay him for this.

Wow! I'm not sure how to feel about that. Not being a big partier, I must have missed out on the whole "throwing pies at some random guy" thing. Maybe if there had been more "pie guys" I would have given the whole partying lifestyle a second look. What disturbs me most (and there are a lot of things to be disturbed about here) is that not only did he sit down and come up with this idea, but he somehow thought it was viable enough to go seek the help of a professional to get the business off the ground. I'm sure he must have mentioned it to someone at some point, yet somehow nobody bothered to tell him that he might want to go back to the drawing board.

For lack of any other reasonable way of dealing with this newfound information, and since the professional marketer turned him away, I offer the following suggestions to grow the whole Pie Guy business:

After a few successful parties, when the money starts rolling in, consider branching out and ordering a dunk tank.
If the host of the party have run out of pies, consider allowing other food objects (meatloaf, creamed corn, or custard are good ones).
For an extra fee, offer to wear a plunger on your head for a lively game of Donut Ring-Toss.

OK...that's it for me. I'm going to go lay down in my bed, close my eyes, and when I re-open them, it will be 6:30 this morning, my alarm clock will be going off, and I will have just had the strangest dream.

My Little Romeo

2005-02-11T09:23:00.000-05:00

They are learning about the postal system in school this week, so each of the kids in the class has a mail box and they can send letters to each other. On Wednesday he got this from his "girlfriend." I thought it was cute. Then he got this yesterday. Maybe I should be worried. ;o)

It never ceases to amaze me...

2005-02-09T13:24:00.000-05:00

...what people find necessary to put in print.

I am working on the layout of our local police department's procedure manual and I came across this in the section for bicycle patrols:

3. A police bicycle will not be used to transport prisoners.

Even if one of the bike officers got it in their head to try it....well...how? On the handlebars? Maybe trailing on the back on roller skates.

argh....that is all.

Stranger things...

2005-02-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

...have been known to happen.

My entry for the latest fark photoshop contest.

I heart fark.com.

The dry spell...

2005-01-25T11:32:00.000-05:00

...is OVER!!!

Yup...that's right folks...Felicity got laid. I was working on two years of mostly involuntary celibacy, but thanks in part to the Blizzard of 2005, the Hells Angels, and the 80's hair-band Ratt, I managed to score over the weekend.

Confused yet? Well then...let's start at the beginning:

This past weekend, I attended the Am-Jam Tattoo and Body Piercing convention in Syracuse with M. and F. We had planned to go for about the past month and I was really looking forward to the chance to get out of Dodge for a couple of days. I've had a tattoo for a decade now, and have had varying degrees of foreign metal content in my body since i got my lobes pierced in Germany at the age of 5. I still wouldn't exactly say I fit in very well with the whole "body mod" scene. All of my work is very private and most people who know me are completly oblivious to my adornments. Nonetheless, I figured it would be an interesting way to spend a weekend with a couple of my closest friends. Interesting, indeed.

We got to the hotel in time to drop off our things and head out to grab lunch at the Dinosaur B-B-Q. (Holy fucking amazing food, Batman!) The snow started falling right about the same time as I was ordering my Big Ass Pork Plate. (I figured I wasn't going to have too many other chances to order something for lunch that had the word "ass" in the title.) We barely made it back to the hotel before the visibility dropped down to nothing.

I hadn't planned on getting any work done at the convention, but as I wandered around the displays at hotel, I started getting the urge to add to my piercing collection. Here I was among some of the most talented piercing artists on the east coast...what better time? After talking to every needle-wielding pro in the place, I decided to let Mickey from Sacred Body in East Windsor, Connecticut repierce my nipples. I wasn't entirely happy with the job that had been done on them a year ago, so I had taken them out and let them heal. Mickey did an amazing freehand job and I couldn't be more thrilled with the results (that, and he laughed at all of my jokes, even though I'm pretty sure he didn't think I was that funny). I wound up going back to him later to do a small stretch on one of my existing piercings. He was a consumate pro.

With the endorphins still flowing, I managed to find a seat for The Lizardman's stage show. I got picked on by him during the show for being squeemish, which is somewhat ironic considering I had just gotten my nipples pierced in full view of all of the Hell's Angels, tattoo afficionados, and astonished looking members of the non-modified public who happened to be passing by at the time. I chatted with Lizardman for a bit after his performance, and he said he thought I was going to puke at one point (not too far from the truth), but that he had definitely seen worse.

Later that night, M., F., and I went down to the hotel bar to check out the band that was playing. Because of the blizzard, a state of emergency had been declared several hours earlier and anyone that was at the convention was basically stuck at the hotel for the night. With nowhere else to go for Saturday night entertainment, all of the stranded conventioneers were packed into the tiny lounge listening to covers of all of everyones 80's hair band favorites. Between the grossly overpriced beer and the lovingly faithful interpretations of Skid Row and Ratt, I was starting to feel pretty good. I managed to chat with a few people, but I mostly sat back and marveled at the diversity of the crowd. Not exactly the mix of cliques you'd expect to find in the same place at the same time, but everyone was having a great time and getting along swimmingly.

As often happens in the presence of alcohol and people with nothing better to do...one thing led to another, and I wound up "hooking up" with a tastefully tattooed, 26 year old body piercer. (Yes, Mom, I remembered to use protection...all four times.) I'm sure this will come out sounding stereotypically male (notable only because I am very much a female), but I couldn't quite remember his name the next morning...and that didn't bother me too terribly much. I actually had to ask M. if he rememberd the guy's name, since I could only remember that it had 3 letters and one of them was a "Y." All in all, it was both as physically fulfilling and as deviod of emotional attachment as I could have hoped. (It was, however, a little more "freaky" than I'm used to, but who am I to judge?)

After a trip to the Carousel Mall, where F. got to meet one of the women he's been chatting with online, we made it home safe and sound the next day (despite my mother's insistence that the whole trip had been a bad idea and incredibly irresponsible of me and my friends). The snow had been mostly cleared from the highways, so the trip home was pretty uneventful.

So, here I sit, back in Dodge. I'm nursing the unexpected new piercings, and I've got a few muscle aches (mostly in my arms and legs...don't be such a pervert) to remind me of exactly how long it's been since my last intimate encounter. If I keep up at this pace, I'm due for some action again sometime in the Spring of 2007. Hey...a girl's got to have something to look forward to.

As if I needed a reminder...

2005-01-10T13:46:00.000-05:00

...of how much I love my current job.

Going through some old files, I came across a PowerPoint presentation that I did in hopes of getting a pay raise when I worked for the local newspaper. (It's also a pretty decent example of my sometimes offbeat sense of humor.) You'll have to do a little visualizing, but I think it's worth it. Keep in mind that the individual slides have a tastefull background and each feature the following footnote: I AM worth it!

Here Goes:

Slide One
Felicity's not-so-feeble (and exceptionally justified) attempt at getting a pay raise

Slide Two
Just the facts...

Since switching over to my new position, I have been working a minimum of 10 hours per week (off the clock and without complaint) to keep up with my work related responsibilities. (I was here for over 12 hours this weekend to prepare for the I-86 meeting.) These hours are above and beyond any paid overtime I have been receiving.

Overtime, as you know quite well, is an evil creature whose greedy little hands, in my case, snatch $XX.XX/hour from The Newspaper’s proverbial pockets.

Slide Three
Some more facts (and one opinion)...

The federal government’s current income guidelines for Steuben County, NY show that my income falls directly between the $XX,XXX "very low income" and the $XX,XXX "low income."

I perform job duties that include, but are not limited to, my original 40 hr/week Internet work, a large portion of the workload in composing, substituting for vacationing employees, writing two (2) columns every week, and allowing my infectious positive attitude to help create a happy, healthy work environment for my coworkers and me. I would like to think that this is work that merits pay that would at least disqualify me from most poverty level social services.

Slide Four
Action

Bi-Weekly Salary
I recommend a bi-weekly salary that would both allow me to work unlimited hours without burdening you with overtime pay, and that would increase my income to a point that will justly compensate me for the extra time I am willing to spend at work.

Slide Five
Benefits

The Newspaper will benefit from this in several ways:

-Saving money
The time I am currently "donating" would cost The Newspaper at least $XX,XXX per year ($XXX.XX/week)

-Improved Job Performance
Without the constraints of a 40 hour work week and fear of overtime, I will be able to devote myself fully to all of my job responsibilities.

-Bribery
I would gladly buy a beer at the Christmas party for any person who had a hand in increasing my current pay.

Slide Six
In Closing

A salary for Felicity = Lots of good stuff for The Newspaper

Paying overtime is BAD. Nobody likes paying overtime.

Employees with more than $25 expendable income each month are GOOD. Everyone likes good employees.

(See the footnote)

---END OF SLIDE SHOW---

I didn't get the raise. Had I actually gotten it, however, I never would have made my way to my current place of employment. Here I have a creatively challenging job, a boss that gives me pay raises without slide-shows, and have twice burned out the motor on my nine-function massaging office chair. Hooray for Fate and her failed attempts that become golden opportunities.

It's amazing what a dollar can buy...

2005-01-07T11:59:00.000-05:00

...nowadays.

I was going through my pregnancy journal recently (my son is 5 now) and I realized that I never wrote about how I told my mother that I was pregnant (easily one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do...not counting doing "the deed" with the double leg amputee (You'll never guess who was on top.))

The seeds of my pregnancy story were actually planted many years ago. I was 13 years old and had been living in Germany for 2 weeks when my grandfather died. My family flew back to New York for the funeral. While the circumstances were less than happy, there was one bright spot during the week we spent in the States...A. He was 16, resembled a New Kid on The Block, and actually paid attention to me.

We both spent a lot of time at my aunt's house that week. (My aunt is married to his uncle...no blood relation.) He would sit on the porch swing and talk with me for hours, keeping my infatuated little teenage mind off of the situation at hand. By the time we were ready to leave for the airport, I had developed quite the severe crush on this "older-man."

As my family's car pulled out of the driveway and we waved goodbye to all of our relatives, my Mother started the following conversation:
"So...how did A. treat you this week?"
(dreamy teenage voice)"Oh, Mom. He was great."
"Good, 'cause we gave him twenty bucks to be nice to you."

I'm sure I must have been fairly traumatized by that statement (as anyone in that situation would have been), because I didn't ever think about that afternoon until years later, when I decided to move to New York to be closer to my extended family. As soon as I saw A., the memories flooded back. He wasn't 16 any more, he was usually drunk, and had developed quite the arrest record...but teenage hormones die hard. We had a few "flings." Nothing but good, non-committed, no-strings-attached sex...and lots of it.

Then the birth control failed, and I found myself standing in front of my mom trying to come up with the words to explain my predicament. I was 23, had a full time job, and was actually financially stable enough to have a kid on my own...so I'm not sure what I was so worried about. I finally just blurted it out. "I'm pregnant." Then came the heart to heart conversations and bonding that I hope all mothers-to-be can have with their own mothers.

To this day, however, I wonder how different things would have been if I had just told my mom, "Well, you got your twenty bucks worth.”

I must just be a freak...

2005-01-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

Ok...there's no delicate way to discuss this. I'll admit that what I'm about to write puts me a little outside the norm (as if I stood any chance (or had any desire) to be anything near normal). When I brought this up during a morning show in my "FM Radio Days," I got a bit of feedback...and a lot of unwholesome (however "clean") offers from my male listeners. So I guess I'll throw this out there to the online masses...

I get turned on by the smells and sounds of cleaning.

That's right, I become sexually aroused by the smell of Pledge or the sound of a paper towel squeaking against a pane of glass. Vacuum cleaners drive me wild. The sound of the copier repair guy firing short bursts of compressed air...well, I think I've gotten my point across.

Now that you've had a minute to digest what you've just read, or called your significant other over to the computer to prove once again that 99.9% of people who share their lives online are freaks and weirdos, allow me to clarify. I'm not aroused by the person doing the cleaning, just the sounds and smells that go along with the cleaning. It's sort of a directionless kind of horny, if that makes any sense. Also, it only works if someone else is doing the cleaning. You only have to stop by my apartment unannounced to know that it's highly unlikely that I'm "getting myself off" by any such non-traditional methods. I can't just sniff a bottle of Windex, either. It's not that simple. There has to be actual cleaning going on for the arousal to happen. I'm still fully arousable by more "normal" means, but it's almost Pavlovian in the way my body responds instantly to the sounds and smells of sanitation.

I get teased a bit at work, especially when the printer repair guy comes in and I have to get up and take a break to avoid accidentally embarrassing myself. I even get a passing remark from time to time from someone who used to listen to the morning show. As much as I wouldn't mind having an attractive guy clean my windows some time, even I am a little weirded out by that particular aspect of my sexuality. I can't trace it back to anything in my childhood. It's not something I stumbled upon while surfing the net for por...I mean spiritually inspirational web sites.

I'm sure (I hope) I can't be the only one on the planet afflicted with this bizarre dysfunction. I even vaguely remember reading a study somewhere that 15% of women are turned on by their husbands' cleaning activities. (But I might have just made that up to make me feel like less of a freak.) I'm not even too troubled by it all, because it's minimally disruptive as far those types of things go. I guess it's just one tiny (albeit peculiar) piece of the puzzle that is me.

Update

2005-01-04T18:44:00.000-05:00

We did it.

Tossing around some ideas

2005-01-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't been the most coherent person the past week or so. I think the exhaustion from work has really taken its toll. Yesterday was the first time in as long as I can remember that I actually went home at five and didn't have to come back to work for anything. I've got everything pretty well organized at work, but beyond that everything seems so scattered.

I'm trying to come up with some projects to work on with C. at home. I know that he has a tendency to act out when he's bored or not getting a ton of attention. We've found a couple of things that he really enjoys doing that we can work on together, but I have an idea or two for some other things we could work on. I looked at my digital camera yesterday and realized that it's not getting nearly as much use as it should. I got to thinking that there's no reason C. couldn't start a blog of his own. It would mostly be a photo blog, since he's not quite up to speed on the whole "written language" thing. If we worked on it together, I could let him take a picture a day of something that's important to him and I can post it to his blog with some commentary on the day. I imagine we'll wind up with a lot of pictures of his Spiderman toys at first, but I'm kind of curious to see what kinds of things he will come up with if left to his own devices. Since I also want to keep a log of the reading that he's doing, I think this will be an ideal place to start keeping track of things. In true "Peter Parker" fashion, he says that he wants to be a photographer when he grows up, so this should be a neat way to let him explore that avenue. Since I work at the print shop, I can always compile the stuff that we work on into a book for him some time down the road.

We also got a bunch of coin collecting supplies from Santa this Christmas, so there's a few hours of entertainment for us in that. I have to really work on fighting the urge to succumb to my exhaustion at the end of the work day. It's way too easy to let him watch Animal Planet from dinner until bed time, but I'm not doing either of us any favors that way. We've had a few really tough months with his outbursts. Parenting isn't always fun, but this whole ordeal has been exceptionally difficult. The positive to all of this is that I'm not as prone to take the good times for granted as I was before. If only I can find the energy to back up my ambition.

Happy New Year...

2005-01-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

...or something.

I'm not particularly "feeling" the New Year thing this year. Usually I have at least a remote feeling of hope for the coming year and some gratitude for the events of the year prior. Not this year for some reason. I'm not hopeless or bitter, but I'm not thrilled about things right now either. I suppose if I wanted to, I could make a list of positives for 2004. My life is far from scraping bottom.

I guess I'm just a little conflicted right now. I find myself getting really irrationally angry at people who are close to me. Even in the middle of entirely innocent conversations, I find myself wanting to scream, get up, and leave the room. I'm probably being overly analyitical, but I can't bring myself to understand what motivates the people around me. I want to say that everyone else is being insensitive, but I know that I'm just being overly sensitive. (But who wants to admit to being in the wrong...it's so much more fun to blame everyone else.)

I'd chalk it all up to an episode of seasonal low self-esteem, but it's something more than just being passively dissatisfied with myself. I'm actually angry at myself over a lot of things that have happened this year. I'm not thrilled with the kind of parent I've been. Admittedly, I've had a lot thrown at me in that department, but there are some things that I should have handled differently. I'm not particularly happy with the kind of friend I've been to the people I care about. There have been a few too many times where I've been thoughtless and selfish. I'm also mad about the way I treat myself (go ahead and try to wrap your mind around that one). Sometimes it easier to just coast by, when I should be actively doing things that are good for me.

This is the part where the average person makes a list of resolutions to make things better in the coming year. (This is also a week before the average person starts breaking their resolutions.) I'm not going to partake in the empty promising. For the most part, I know what dissatisifies me, so I'll just take it from there. No resolutions, no promises, no beating myself up.

I imagine I'll start feeling better any time now...

Feels like I might...

2004-12-27T13:34:00.000-05:00

...explode.

It's not just the headache that I've had since I woke up this morning. I'm having one of those days where I feel like I need to expell something. (I can't find the right word for what I mean, because it all ultimately sounds like I'm saying I'm full of shit (which may very well be the case).) What I mean to say is that there's something inside of me that needs to come out, and I'm not sure what it is. It could be that I need to purge myself creatively, or maybe I just need to throw up...I'm couldn't say with any certainty.

I have this overwhelming sense of urgency, but the line between physical and psychological is so blurry at this point that I'm not sure what it is that needs to be released.

PS - My boss asked me if I was high when I came in this morning (which around here wouldn't be the end of the world, just fodder for "you remember when" stories yet to be told). That would explain a lot, but just isn't true.

I just want...

2004-12-26T16:49:00.000-05:00

...to watch tv curled up on the couch with someone...
...anyone.

'Tis the season...

2004-12-21T18:26:00.000-05:00

...to work yourself to the brink of exhaustion every day, stumble out of work into the freezing cold at 2am every morning, head home to steal a couple of hours of sleep, and start the cycle all over again in the morning.

In case you couldn't tell, things haven't slowed down here at work any. I have more big projects under way than I have ever had at any one time since I've been here. Add to that the dozens of smaller jobs that need to be done and you've got one worn out woman.

*****side note*****

My writing was interruped about 15 minutes ago by a phone call from C.'s father. The new baby is here. I had no idea that B. was so far along. There's communication for you. I just dropped C. off at the hospital to meet his new brother. I have a lot of things to say about this, but I'll save them for some time when I'm in a better frame of mind.

****end side note*****

Christmas is only a few days away, and I am nowhere near ready. I have most of C.'s big presents taken care of. I've gotten things for a couple of my friends and know exactly what to get the rest of them when I go shopping tomorrow, so I guess I'm not in such bad shape. It just feels like I've been so busy that everything has suddenly snuck up on me.

Speaking of gift giving celebrations, my birthday wasn't one (as per usual). I walked away with a grand total of one gift for my birthday this year. I'm not complaining about the lack of presents, but more about the ruthless jabs that went with it this year. I'm used to not getting much from my parents for my birthday, but when that's followed shortly by, "That sweater you were wearing the other night sure looks a lot like the one we got your sister for her birthday," it kind of stings. If you're going to single me out as not being worthy of that type of affection, you don't have to rub my face in it, too. I got several nice, thoughtful gifts for my sister for her birthday this week, I'm giving my family a significant Christmas present that holds symbolic meaning in addition to being useful. The least my mother could do is not be a bitch about it and make up lame excuses.

Gee...it seems like there are so many other things I want to write about, but what little wind I had seems to have disappeared. Oh well, I have hours and hours of work to do, so it's probably best that I don't procrastinate here any longer.

I really need a hug.

It's been a while...

2004-11-28T14:03:00.000-05:00

...since I've posted anything of substance around here. With my hectic schedule at work and the whole "being sick as a dog for two months" thing, I've been a little less than regular with my blogging. Hopefully that will resolve itself a bit as I am (knock on all kinds of wood) starting to feel better, and I'll finish up the big project at work today.

Hmmm...updates on my life....let's see:

R. is gone (basically). Apparently I didn't say anything too upsetting or embarassing in my Guinness fueled diatribe last weekend, so he's still speaking to me. However, he did finish his last day of work at the store in town, so he's off to bigger and better things. He'll still be showing up every now and then at our weekend get-togethers, but his presence will definitely be diminished. Too bad, as he was a nice addition to the Flock of Geeks.
Everything is still up in the air with the whole Child Protective Services thing. Nobody has spoken to C. yet, and I am assuming the same for A., since I haven't had a hysterical phone call from him yet. C.'s therapist said she would get in touch with them again to see what the status of the situation is. I imagine I'll hear something next week, but I'm not holding my breath. The whole hygiene thing is getting really ridiculous. I let A. have him early this week for the break, and C. was there for 4 days without taking a bath or brushing his teeth. He wound up getting an infection on his shoulder from scratching at it with dirty fingernails. That, and the whole "showing up in the same clothes (underwear included) that he left in days before" thing. Ugh. Apparently that's not bad enough to merrit immediate action, but I'm documenting it all anyway.
My birthday is coming up next Monday. Not sure how I feel about that. It's the last year of my 20's but for some reason I'm not that emotional about it. Last year was a lot harder for me because of some pretty ridiculous expectations I had for myself. I had always assumed that I would be married by 30, and since I didn't want to marry anyone that I hadn't been with for at least two years, when I turned 28 last year I felt like a bit of a failure. It's all really silly in retrospect, but I didn't handle it well when it was happening. This year I really don't have any expectations. Even with the occasional drama, I'm pretty happy with where I am in life right now. I have an amazing kid, who teaches me new things every day. I have a fantastic, challenging, rewarding job. I have a great (ever evolving) circle of friends. I'm not entirely caught up on all of my bills, but nothing's getting shut off any time in the near future. So I'm not getting married by the time I turn 30...big, hairy deal. I'm happy and that's about all that matters.
Thanksgiving was nice and quiet. I spent part of the day at my parents' house, and then came back to town to play team trivia with the Flock. After our decisive victory at the coffee shop on Wednesday, we fell on our faces at the Villa. Oh well...we didn't come in last, and we had a good time. There are definitly worse ways to spend an evening than having fun with people whose company you enjoy a great deal.

I guess that's it for now. I've still got a few hours of duplicating to do before I can call it quits. Good thing I love my job!

Blogging while drunk...

2004-11-25T01:05:00.000-05:00

Not a crime, but it probably should be. (If I make it through this entry with less than twenty typos, I will consider myself fortunate.)

Well...it's been a long week, to say the least...and since it's only Wednesday, that's actually saying a lot. After this past weekend, I finally had all of the impetus I needed to give up on R. completely. I won't go into details, but I can safely say that I stood a snowball's chance in hell with him from the get-go. Devastating....not realy, considering I have so many other things to occupy my thoughts that failure at what I previously suspected to be hopeless doesn't constitute the end of the world. (Tell that to my nanowrimo novel (if that html actually works in my advanced state of intoxication, I will be shocked) characters.) I've narrowed down my immediate need to nothing more than an arm and a torso (my mantra for the past week). It sounds silly, but I seriously just need an arm to cuddle up against. Nothing sexual, just a comfort thing. If I had an arm and a torso for a couple of hours, I'm sure that I'd feel tons better than I do right now.

Yeah...I'm still sick. Not sure how I've managed to stay sick for the past two months, but I'm a trooper that way. That hasn't helped out much with the insane workload at the shop. Of course, nothing can go smoothly there either, but I'm trudging through. Right now, once I'm done with the big project that needs to be totally completed by next Wednesday (that means my part needs to be done by Friday), I still have over 50 jobs in my "to be completed" file. That is absolutely unprecedented in the time I have been employed at the shop. Considering I was entirely caught up one week ago, the volume of work that has accumulated in such a short span of time speaks volumes for how much business has picked up over the past year. Stressful for me...yeah. Good for the business...absolutely.

Well...I guess that's it for now.

P.S. - Still looking for an arm and a torso, if anyone is interested.

Guinness for dinner...

2004-11-21T11:07:00.000-05:00

...foot for dessert.

Details later...

The Fun Begins

2004-11-17T19:40:00.000-05:00

I was really hoping to be feeling better before the workload got crazy here at the shop, but no such luck. Now, not only am I miserably ill (the blood work all came back negative, so they have no clue what's wrong with me), but I also have an obnoxious recurring twitch in my left eyelid. To say it's driving me nuts would be an injustice to both automotive enthusiasts and pecans alike.

It looks like the next couple of weeks are going to be absolutely insane at work. I managed to get two of the bigger projects out of the way, at the expense of the really big project that I had hoped to have taken care of by now. There's no way to balance everything out when everybody needs their projects done right away. I can't seem to get totally caught up no matter how hard I try. If I devote the morning to catching up on the "day to day" work that comes in, I wind up with one or two rush jobs by the afternoon, leaving me next to no time to work on the big stuff. It's not particularly stressful work, just tons and tons and tons and tons of it. At least I can bring C. with me when I have to work overtime. He's got his sleeping bag here and just lays down and watches movies until he passes out. He's been a little high strung, but nothing you wouldn't expect from your average 5 year-old boy.

I'm really glad I decided to get the car. While it doesn't look like I'll be having much time to rest up to regain my health, at least I don't have to walk home from work at eleven or twelve o'clock every night. It also makes things a ton easier when it comes to getting C. from point A to point B. I haven't had time to go into detail about the vehicle yet (and I really don't have time now), so here are a couple of stats to keep you going until I have a free minute (that should be some time in December at the rate things are going around here): 1987 Ford LTD Crown Victoria; powder blue exterior; blue interior; fucking huge. Yeah...that about sums it up for now. I'm happy with it. I don't imagine I could have done much better for the $600 I spent on it. I'll post a picture sometime soon.

Well...I guess I should get back to work. Too much stuff to do, not enough people willing to give me a shoulder massage while I'm doing it.

argh

2004-11-15T20:49:00.000-05:00

That's it. Just argh.

Guess who's still sick?

2004-11-14T16:07:00.000-05:00

Yup...me. Make that sick and depressed. I found out this weekend that R. is going to be moving next month. I know that shouldn't be a big deal, since he is only my imaginary boyfriend, but to say that I've grown a little attached to him would be somewhat of an understatement. Add to the depression a little bit of hurt feelings over something he said last night. I know it was a slip of the tongue, but it stung nonetheless, supporting my strong inclination that nothing could ever happen anyway. At the rate things have been going for me over the past year and a half, I should probably just head over to the animal shelter and clear out their cat supply. For some reason I feel like I've almost lost my balance walking the fine line between single and spinster.

I haven't been keeping up very well with the whole novelling thing. Most nights, I'm so exhausted from working and being sick that I collapse as soon as C. goes to bed. I'm going to try for a little comeback today, but it's pretty much outside of the realm of possibility that I can complete this thing by the 30th. Here M. is doing it with me on a whim and he's producing mass quantities of really good readable stuff, and I've got a couple thousand words of peurile garbage. Needless to say, based on the events of the past couple of days, I've been kicking myself a bit over my choice of subject matter.

On the bright side...I'm mobile again. I finally broke down and bought a car. More about that sometime when my spirits are a little higher and I've actually done some writing on my novel.

Argh...My kingdom for someone with milk chocolate and a burning need to snuggle.

My "Blogging For Books" Entry

2004-11-06T01:13:00.000-05:00

As if I didn't already have enough writing to do this month, here's my Blogging for Books entry. Enjoy:

Before I had a kid, I swore that I wasn't going to be one of those parents whose obvious lack of child-rearing skills often lead to embarrassing public situations. I would never swear around my son (that lasted five f-ing minutes), and never allow his cherubic face to be bathed in the light of something as vile as a questionable television program (Can anyone here not sing the Barney song from memory? I thought not.).

If you know anything about toddlers, you understand that they have an inborn need to climb, grasping at whatever will assist them in their ascent - shelves, chairs, and especially the extremities of an unwitting seated adult.

My son's personal favorite climbing aids happened to be my post-reduction surgery breasts. While they are certainly smaller following my "little procedure," there's still plenty left for groping baby fingers. After his first few attempts at conquering mommy's personal Mount Everests, I would, firmly but with motherly love in my eyes, tell him that he was hurting mommy's boo-boos (a reference to the surgery, not to my anatomy). It only took a few warnings before he caught on...not to the fact that he shouldn't be climbing my boobs, but that women have breasts.

Every time a Pepsi commercial came on tv he would run to the screen, gleefully and repeatedly shouting, "Brinney's Boo-boos!" Potentially embarrassing...sure, but how often would he see a Pepsi commercial in a public place. If anything ever did happen, I could always blame the behavior on his father. Then we went from potentially embarrassing to absolutely mortifying.

A few weeks had passed, and he was fastidiously working on removing all of the contents of my bookshelf, when he came across a manual for my breast pump. The picture on the cover was of a woman nursing her child. With great speed, and inquisitive wonder beyond his years, he held the book to my face and asked, "Boo-boos Ba-Ba?" "Yes, Sweetie," I replied impressed at his comprehension of the picture, "when you were a tiny baby, mommy's boo-boos were your bottle." He immediately ran to the pile of magazines on the floor, picked up one of daddy's "scantily clad ladies" magazines, held it to his face, and began making incredibly loud slurping noises.

Now, we can no longer walk past a magazine rack in a store, watch t.v. at a friend's house, or even walk past a woman in a low cut shirt without those incredibly embarrassing sound effects. I know he doesn't mean anything by it, but that doesn't stop the piercing stares of grocery store patrons. I have admittedly lapsed occasionally in my quest to raise a wholesome child, but certainly nothing to deserve embarrassment of this magnitude. I think it may be my cosmic penalty for boasting about my 15-minute, three push, labor and delivery.

So, while you may not know me now, you can listen for the sounds of my slurping son on your next trip to the supermarket, bookstore, or strip bar. I'll be the plump, harried-looking, semi-large breasted woman with a face as red as a beet.

I resign...

2004-11-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

...for the night. I'm still not getting better, so in a move considered radical by modern medicine, I think I'm going to try to get some rest tonight. Tomorrow is potentially a big day, so I could really use the sleep so that I don't feel like garbage all day again.

My novel will have to wait for the weekend, but I should be able to devote some quality time to writing on Saturday and Sunday. Now that I've made it through the first big love scene, I think everything else should be cake from there. I can't believe how much trouble I had writing about sex. I'm far from prudish, so it surprises me that I struggled that much with what I thought would be the easiest part of writing a romance novel. I think the problem is that I've based my characters on people I know in real life, so there's a very strong mental image that goes with writing about them that I wouldn't have for completely imaginary characters. I actually had to write my first sex scene about someone other than "Stan" (the main male love interest, based not-so-loosely on R.), because I felt like I was somehow violating him by writing about him that way without his permission.

Ehhh...I probably shouldn't give it so much thought. Off to bed. Great things await when the sun comes up (hopefully).

Plodding through the pain.

2004-11-03T20:47:00.000-05:00

Well, not pain exactly...but definitely some minor form of agony. Still running a temperature and now I have a really obnoxious headachy sort of thing going on. But that won't stop me from working on the novel. (Actually, I need something to keep me awake until it's time for my next dose of antibiotics, or else I'll probably sleep through it.)

Got to do some fun, really obscene and irreverent stuff at work today. It's nice to work in the kind of environment where you get to do stuff like that every now and then. That was about the only time today that I didn't feel like the walking dead.

Ack...Every word here is one that doesn't make it into tonight's novel update. Back to my fantasy world.

Getting worse…

2004-11-02T14:44:00.000-05:00

…by the minute. I just got back from my whirlwind morning of medical mayhem, so I figure I should probably update. I’ve been feeling like shit (in varying degrees) for the past month. I was diagnosed with pneumonia a couple of weeks ago and have since been on two different courses of antibiotics. Since I’m still not even close to 100%, I made an appointment with my doctor for this morning. I didn’t realize that by the time I got there I was running a fever. The doctor was at a bit of a loss as to what could possibly have me feeling this sick after a month. He said it is either an antibiotic-resistant staph pneumonia or possibly (but not very likely) viral pneumonia. So here I go again, on another course of antibiotics…argh. I had a lung x-ray this morning and have to go back in a week for a follow-up. Since I’ve been at the doctors, my temperature has gone up a couple of degrees and I’ve started feeling even crappier than I have been feeling lately.
Why couldn’t this have happened last month when things were slow at work? This month is going to be crazy, so I really can’t afford to miss any time. On top of that I have the novel writing thing going on, and I’m still waiting for the whole Child Protective Services thing to come to a head.

(Have I said “argh” yet?)

Nine Hundred and Thirty One...

2004-11-02T01:43:00.000-05:00

...words. Not quite the quantity I was going for, but I'll call it good for tonight. That I managed in the first 1000 words to use gems like "her tongue probed the corners of his moist mouth," and, "She felt his enthusiasm growing," is a true testament to my staunch resolve not to take this writing stuff to seriously. (Enthusiasm...enthusiasm? Not a euphemism I use very often, but it seemed to work in the context of the scene.)

I was quite happy to learn that my friend M. is also participating in NaNoWriMo. His work so far is of a significantly higher caliber than my own. I'm excited to see how this is all going resolve itself. Hopefully we can keep each other motivated for the month, although I'm fairly certain that M. isn't going to be reading much of my novel. (Even though the scenes are incredibly goofy, the male romantic lead is "loosely" based on someone M. has known long enough that he probably doesn't want to think of him in that context.)

Off to bed. I'll have to catch up on the extra 700 words over the next few days. Weekends were always really productive for me last year, so I don't think I need to worry about being a little behind on the first day.

Two cans of Mountain Dew Pitch Black and...

2004-11-01T22:49:00.000-05:00

...a serious case of procrastination. I'm just praying that the caffeine keeps me awake long enough to come up with 1.5k words for the NaNoWriMo blog in the next hour or so...eeeeek!

Tomorrow is picture day at school, so tonight was "cut C.'s hair" night at Casa de la Madre Loca. When he was tiny, C. would freak out when I cut his hair, but only because he thought that I was cutting of an otherwise necessary part of his body. I still remember his reaction the first time he saw a clump of hair fall on his arm; it might as well have been his ear, the way he started screaming. He had been doing much better in recent years, but tonight was a challenge. I always say, "next time I'll let a professional do it," but by the time "next time" comes around, I seem to have forgotten my own advice.

I'm still sick...argh. I finally got an appointment with my doctor (not Express Care) tomorrow. K. mentioned something at work today that made me think a bit. He wondered if the respiratory problems had anything to do with all of the chemicals that get used on a daily basis at work. I hadn't really thought much about it, but my cough does get worse at work, so that might be part of the problem. (Here I thought that I was just getting a free daily high, with my desk so close to the presses.) I'm mostly worried about the sporadic chest pain I've been having, but that is very likely a side effect of the antibiotic that I was on last week. We'll see what the good doctor has to say about that tomorrow.

OK, OK...the soda is finally starting to kick in, so I had better start writing to get my first novelling post in before midnight.

Quantity, not quality...Quantity, not quality...Quantity, not quality...Quantity, not quality...Quantity, not quality...

I must be...

2004-10-31T18:43:00.000-05:00

...a glutton for punishment. Knowing from the outset that next month is going to be insanely hectic at work and fraught with difficult personal issues, I went ahead and signed up for NaNoWriMo. I’ll be keeping my novel (I use the term loosely) online in another blog. Whether or not I actually complete it is a whole other ballgame. I'll start writing tonight around midnight for the kick-off, but beyond that, I make no promises.

I wasn't sure if I was even going to do it again this year, but after joking about it with my sister this weekend, she came up with a great idea (well...it's better than last year's mad scientist/evil twin/desert island piece of crap). So it looks like I'll be writing a romance novel (with a surprise twist). I haven't even glanced at a male reproductive organ in well over a year, and I just surrendered my porn collection to a friend, so this appears to be my only hope for romance in the foreseeable future. It's particularly funny to me that I'm doing this, because I hate...no, I abhore romance novels. We'll see how it turns out. In the true NaNoWriMo spirit, I'm not going for quality, just quantity (1,666.6666666666666667 words per day to be somewhat more precise).

Now, for the weekend update. I'm still not at 100% health-wise, and C. seems to be coming down with something now. ARGH! I want health and wellness in my house....NOW! While we were out trick-or-treating last night, C. sounded like he was going through puberty. His voice varied between "13 year-old" boy and "Bea Arthur" all evening.

We had movie night at my place on Friday. I was in the throes of some major chocolate cravings, so I wound up making hot peanut butter chip brownie sundaes. It's been a couple of years since I've done that. Don't know if anyone else liked them, but it did the trick for me. C. and his cousin were there, too, which is a little unusual for movie night. They were a little restless, but that's about what I expected. Before movies, I went bowling with S., her fiancée, and the kids. I still suck at bowling.

I spent the rest of the weekend at S.'s place. Trick-or-treating in her town was on Saturday night, so I was able to take C. while we were there and let his father take him out tonight. Both of they boys were adorable and were pretty tuckered out by the end of the evening. All in all a relaxing weekend with family.

Well...that's going to have to do it for now. I've got a boatload of laundry to do and I need to try to organize my thoughts for the novel kick-off at midnight. Who knows...in 31 days, I may be able to say that I've written 2 novels. Not particularly prolific, but better than most people who are pushing 30.

It was just...

2004-10-28T22:01:00.000-04:00

...a phone call. I'm starting to feel really foolish about all of this.

Decisions, decisions

2004-10-28T13:29:00.000-04:00

Conundrum 1 - To Nano or not to nano
In a few days, it will be November. That means that in a few days it will be National Novel Writing Month. I took part last year and wrote 85,000 words of pretty much non-stop ludicrousness. I'd like to try again this year, but I don't know if I'll be motivated enough to keep it up this year with all of the other stuff going on in my life. The sense of accomplishment is great...but is it great enough to do it again this year? Hmmmm...

Conundrum 2 - Drive now, or Bug later
I have been "off the road" for a little over a year now, and have finally managed to save up enough money to buy a car. I could go out this weekend and cruise the used car dealerships until I see something that catches my eye, but what I really want is a nice, driveable classic VW Bug. If I could wait until January or February, I could get one in great shape for a reasonable price, but that would mean another winter without my own transportation. It's do-able, but not ideal...but I really want a Bug. Arrrrggghhh.

Conundrum 3 - The Great Redhead Debacle of 2004
The question is simple enough - "Why the fuck can't I stop thinking about him?" There must be an answer, but I'm too busy pining, yearning, and longing to find it. Logically, I know nothing is going to happen, so it should be really simple to move on. I finally came to terms with my "singleness" earlier this year, so it's not about filling some kind of void. Even if it was, he's not even remotely my type. K. keeps saying that if I want him so badly, I should just throw him over my shoulder and take him. (My response is that he ran track in high school, so I would actually have to catch him first.) I'm not even 100% sure that I want to be involved in something right now anyway. There are some things that I really don't like about myself that I should probably work out or accept before I subject anyone else to spending excessive amounts of quality time with me. Even so, why should I be scared to just hold a one-on-one conversation with him. Lacuna Enterprises (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), here I come.

Super Blogger

2004-10-27T19:48:00.000-04:00

Five posts in 3 days...that's some kind of record for me. Of course, only two posts have any reasonably decent content.

It would appear that with a little white lie (overexaggeration, really), I have unleashed a monster. C. and I spent the past two and a half hours working on his coin collection. He's thrilled, which is cool. Plus, we get to work on his numbers in the process of building his collection. Right now we're just going for 1 each per year of pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters since 1950. I know that some of those are going to be next to impossible to find, but in the mean time C. is so cute with his little magnifying glass reading off the numbers in the dates to see if he has that particular one in his collection yet. It may not get me anywhere with R., but at least it's a good learning experience for C. and something that we can work on together.

K. and I have started a subtle assault on my zealot of a coworker. Any time she hears that someone doesn't understand something out of the bible, she seems to feel it's her religious duty to clear things up. We decided to go for things she couldn't possibly come up with answers for. We started yesterday by discussing the book of Job within earshot of her. I said that the whole book sounded like a pissing match between two really immature and insecure parties (at the expense of an innocent dude and his family). When she asked what confused me, I said that God never seemed to need to validate anything to anyone else in the old testament. Why would he feel the need to "prove" himself over this? My exact words were, "Everywhere else, the only reasoning God has is 'because I fucking said so.' Why would this be any different?" I didn't actually mean to make God swear, but I think it got my point across. She was pretty well stumped for an answer to that one.

Oh, yeah...I'm feeling a ton better now. That new antibiotic seems to have done the trick. If the past couple of years are any indication, I'll be fine for a month and a half and then sick as a dog again for Christmas.

Time to put Mr. Junior Numismatist in bed. That leaves me an hour or so to take a shower and try not to think about R. before I hit the hay. (Yeah, right!)

How do you...

2004-10-26T22:05:00.000-04:00

...get frozen curly fries to lay in a "single" layer on a baking sheet? More importantly, how do you "turn them over" half-way through cooking?

Someone needs to solve this. I'll be looking forward to the infomercial.

You know you're a lousy bowler when...

2004-10-26T19:16:00.000-04:00

...your five year old son beats you by 12 points on his first game ever. I didn't even break 100 with the bumpers up.

I suck.

;o)

The waiting is the hardest part...

2004-10-26T13:37:00.000-04:00

...particularly waiting to feel better. I went to the doctor again yesterday, since I had finished my entire course of antibiotics and actually felt worse than I did last week. They gave me a new antibiotic and a couple of other drugs to ease the symptoms. Still nothing today. I'm pretty freaking miserable, but there's not much I can do other than wait it out. Even if I could take the day off of work, I would still have to keep up with C. when he gets home from school. That's been challenging enough lately without adding miserable illness into the mix.

My mom is having surgery this Friday, so I offered to watch my sister's son if she has to work Friday night and when she takes her Corrections Officer exam on Saturday. Hopefully that lightens the load for my mom a bit. We're thinking about taking the boys to the bowling alley Friday night before the big sleepover. I think Conner is going to go trick-or-treating with his cousin on Saturday and then with his dad and B. on Sunday, since the towns have different trick-or-treating nights.

I've been trying really hard the past few days to think of things other than R. I know nothing's ever going to happen, but I'll be damned if I can go a couple of hours without some kind of fruitless yearning. I thought yesterday's little social experiment would distract me a bit, but apparently I really couldn't care less about whether or not I get a positive response. Sure sucks when all I want in the world is R. and a box of Lipton's instant soup to make me feel better. Sucks even more that the one I want the most isn't readily available for a couple of bucks at the grocery store.

No procrastination here

2004-10-25T13:07:00.000-04:00

After chickening out with R. a few too many times last week, I decided that this would be the week that I make some kind of an attempt to do something socially outside of my comfort zone. I figured I'd give myself a few days to work up the nerve to stick my neck out with someone. Since things are obviously going nowhere with R., I opted for someone a little safer. I thought for sure that I would procrastinate this until at least Friday, but I figured what the hell...at the rate I'm going I'll be hospitalized with double pneumonia by Friday so I should just go for it. Here, for your approval, is the email that marks the end of my days as a passive, bumbling idiot:

This one was a little easier than I expected, since I have absolutely no expectations of the recipient. I really could "just do lunch." Even if I get shot down, I'm just glad I put forth the effort.

Literary Pumpkin

2004-10-24T21:19:00.000-04:00

For his first "big project" we had to decorate a pumpkin like one of C.'s favorite literary characters. We went with Captain Hook from Where the Sidewalk Ends. In lieu of an actual hook, we just threw a band-aid on his nose to suggest the aftermath of "picking gone wrong." We also had to write a story to go with it, so that should explain the subtleties to anyone less familiar with the poem.

Being sick really sucks.

2004-10-24T19:17:00.000-04:00

It's official...I overdid it this weekend. Somehow, pretending you don't have pneumonia doesn't equate to actually not having pneumonia. While the weekend was for the most part enjoyable, I did pay for it today.

The weekend....
Friday night was movie night at my house. Since I finally decided that I was "over" R. (really, I did, seriously!), I was able to ask him if he wanted to stop by my place after work Friday night for cookies and beer. I even did that without stumbling over a single word. When he actually called for directions to my place, I wasn't quite that eloquent. As if giving him my neighbor's address wasn't embarassing enough, we had the whole "googling" incident that inspired my last post. (Nobody showed up at my house Saturday with a restraining order, so I guess it can't have been all that bad. ) We watched Love Actually and Tank Girl. I had seen the first one a couple of times (still a great, if somewhat unconventional romantic comedy), but it was my first time for Tank Girl. I enjoyed that a lot more than I thought I would. M. and R. didn't leave until almost 2 a.m., which was good in that it meant that I hadn't totally freaked R. out, but bad in that I very suddenly realized how much I had overexerted myself.

Saturday was also a relatively active day. I went to Corning with M. to find some stuff for his camera. I wound up picking up a few back issues of the "kids" version of the Spiderman comic book that should keep me set for behavioral bribery with C. for the rest of next month. I was pretty beat by the time we got back, so at M.'s urging (not that I need much convincing) I took a nap before the Saturday night festivities (bowling and Marino's).

I hadn't been bowling in a decade, so I was quite pleasantly surprised to bowl over a 50 (69 to be exact) on my second game. I may have been the worst bowler in the building but I had a great time. I think N. had a little more fun staring at R.'s butt (and commentating the whole time) than I did, but overall it was an enjoyable experience.

We headed over to Marino's which was fun as usual...until the dreaded "p" word came up. Political discussions never go over smoothly in our group, and last night was no exception. I was already "tipsy" enough that I wasn't totally cognizant of what was going on. M. wound up leaving, which wasn't exactly the way I expected to wind up getting a ride home from R. Somewhat uncomfortable ending to an othewise enjoyable evening.

Through the course of conversation over the entire evening, I pretty much verified that I never really had a chance with R. to begin with. Am I disappointed? I probably don't need to answer that, but I do look forward to having a new friend. (The fantasy was fun while it lasted.)

I pretty much spent today laying around on the couch in varying degrees of miserable agony. I didn't quite have the energy to get up an do anything significant. Now C. is about to come home from his dad's house and we have get his pumpkin all decorated for school tomorrow. Here's hoping that I feel better for work tomorrow.

Note to self...

2004-10-23T01:41:00.000-04:00

...Remember to clean out your browser's history before letting a recent object of desire sit at your keyboard.

That was fucking embarassing.

Good thing I'm over him.

Last night I had an...

2004-10-21T08:08:00.000-04:00

...epiphany. I was doing dishes and thinking about the appointment I have today with a former co-worker. He's starting a new business (another one) and needs to get some things designed. During the short time that I worked with him, he had at least 5 "great business ideas," none of which ever panned out. He also spent pretty much all of his waking hours in a state of self-aggrandizing delusion that would make Norma Desmond look humble by comparison.

Thinking about how ridiculous this person always seemed to everyone but himself, I suddenly had a moment of clarity, when everything I've been dealing with over the past couple of months suddenly seemed, well...clear. I have way too much shit going on in my life right now to ruin the opportunity to make new friends with my silly fantasies. If I just look at R. as a potential new friend, that takes the pressure off. The awkwardness goes away. I don't have to be worried that I might say or do something stupid in front of him. I can be a better friend in the process. In the end, everyone wins. YAY!

Thank your higher power of choice for narcissistic, delusional former co-workers.

If only...

2004-10-20T18:16:00.000-04:00

...R. would show up on my doorstep after work tonight with box of Lipton Chicken Noodle Soup. (Dream, dream, sigh)

All in all, it's been a pretty eventful day. A. and B. got married. I got a bizarre email from a guy I went to kindergarten with. Solved a major computer problem at work. Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I have pneumonia.

As for C.'s new stepmom, I'm kind of wondering why they decided to do it so suddenly. They already have a kid, so it's not like they are trying to avoid the appearance of impropriety. It seems strange to me that just two weeks after A. posts a Yahoo personal looking for a hook-up that he has suddenly decided to get hitched. Far be it from me to claim to understand the inner workings of that man's mind.

My former classmate Richard (we went to school together in Germany) sent me a strange email (in German) saying that he had a dream last night that I was brutally murdered. Not sure what to think about that since I haven't heard from Richard in almost 4 years. File that under "Something To Think About When I'm Not Sick Anymore."

When I say I solved a major computer problem at work, what I mean is that I figured out an easy way for K. to be able to listen to internet radio while he's running equipment out back. There are still a few things that I need figure out before I solve the "really" big problem, which is getting through the firewall so that I can run remote desktop sessions from home. Still, that shouldn't be too tricky.

Pneumonia...pneumonia. Ick. I have been sick for a couple of weeks, so I finally got around to seeing the doctor. Now I have lots of medication, including these wacky pills that make my lungs and throat numb. It's the strangest feeling in the world. I'm not coughing as much now, but when I do, I can't feel anything. It's one of those things that's so strange that I wish everyone could feel it just once.

Still no progress with R. I keep telling myself that I'm going to go into his store and ask him out to lunch. (Non-threatening, yet semi-intimate encounter.) I chickened out when I went in yesterday, because someone else was there working with him. Then today I went in and he wasn't there. I wound up going back later while I was waiting for my multitudinous prescriptions to be filled. We talked for a while, but I couldn't manage to actually ask him if he wanted to go to lunch sometime. I've given myself a one week deadline to get the nerve up to ask him, and it looks like I'll be pulling my typical procrastination routine. I don't even get to fall back on an alcohol-induced moment of relaxed inhibition when we're out this weekend, because I can't drink with all of the medications I am on for my pneumonia. ARGH!!!!

Oh well...back to fantasy land. I can almost hear the knock on my door now.

Stripper Hickeys (or, So much for...

2004-10-17T13:18:00.000-04:00

...the off chance). We had a great time in Rochester yesterday, but we never made it to the turkey dinner, so no R. sightings to report. In lieu of me getting all hot and bothered in front of R.'s parents, M. and F. got to get all hot and bothered at the Klassy Kat (strip club). Everyone had a good time, me included. Somehow, I think that F. and M. had a little more excitement with me there to interact with the strippers than if they had gone alone. (That would be evidenced by the fact that both of them were throwing dollars at me every time one of the girls got done groping my boobs or grabbing my crotch.) I will, however, have a hard time explaining the hickey I got from "Peaches" when I go in to work tomorrow. There's no hiding that one.

We had dinner at the Old Toad, which is quickly becoming my favorite place to eat in Rochester. Oh yeah, and the movie was really funny. Very irreverent, but what do you expect from Matt and Trey.

This morning, I had to contend with The Great Gerbil Escape of 2004. We've had them for a few months now, but for the first time today, as I sat watching Master and Commander, I saw one of them running around on the floor. Lucky for me, Big Al and Mr. Smileyface aren't too bright. I managed to catch them in no time at all with the aid of a little "gerbil crack" (that's Golden Grahams, for you non gerbil-owners out there). They are safe and sound once again in their newly fortified cages. I'll have to keep a little closer eye on them in the future so that it doesn't happen again.

The house is actually pretty clean and organzied, so I don't have a whole lot of housework to do. Maybe I'll read a book or something today. (Or I could just sit around and pine for my red head (and apply ice to the nasty bruise on my neck).)

Let the yearning begin.

Why..

2004-10-16T13:00:00.000-04:00

...doesn't anything ever work out the way I planned (with the exception of dinner last night, which went off without a hitch)? It appears that R. will not be joining us on our excursion to Rochester today. He is working at a turkey dinner at his church, so he won't be available this afternoon. There's still an off chance that we will be stopping by the church for dinner, so I might get to see him today anyway, but nothing like what I was expecting.

After movie night last night, I convinced M. to drive me over to R.'s place of employment so that I could rent a movie. I walked in the door and totally forgot what I was there to do (pretty tricky in a video rental store, I know). If M. hadn't said, "Yeah, we just came by so that Felicity could rent a movie," I would have just stood there and stared.

I'm still pretty excited about the Rochester trip. We're going to see Team America, which should be fun. It's not exactly what I had been looking forward to most about the trip all week, but that doesn't mean I don't expect to have a good time anyway.

Rochester...here we come.

Still waiting...

2004-10-14T19:33:00.000-04:00

...for the other shoe to drop. It's Thursday night and still no word on the Child Protective Services investigation. Nobody has gone to C.'s school to talk to him yet and I have yet to get an angry phone call from his father. Honestly I'm a little surprised. When I talked to the case worker at CPS last week, she made it sound like everything would go down on Tuesday or Wednesday. Hopefully nothing happens tomorrow, because I've got company coming over. (At least I will be well protected if something does happen.)

Things have been a little nuts at work the past couple of days. Nothing major, just a lot of little jobs that everyone needed nearly instantaneously. It doesn't help that I can't get over this cold. I think I might have turned the corner last night though, because I haven't been coughing nearly as much.

On the personal front, some greater cosmic force is obviously plotting against me. This will be the first time I'm going out of town with R. and I have suddenly been afflicted with an outbreak of cold sores. I couldn't have gotten them during the 2 weeks at a time that I don't see him, of course. Only when I'm going to be spending a lot of time in really close proximity. Not exactly a sight that's going to inspire the kinds of thoughts I wish he would have about me.

Speaking of R. Here is a somewhat funny conversation I had with my friend Bob (age 30) from Oklahoma yesterday:
Bob: "So...when are you gonna be moving back here?"
Me: "Bob...you know I can't. C. and I have too much family here, I love my job, and besides, I think I'm finally making progress with my red-head."
Bob: "Well, what does he have that I don't?"
Me: "He's 21 years old, Bob."
Bob: "So?"
Me: "15 minute recovery time."
Bob: "That is so not fair."

That 15 minute recovery time would really come in handy, especially considering that it's been almost a year and a half since the last time I even saw what resides inside a guy's boxer shorts. All kidding aside, as much as my friends think I'm full of shit, my primary motivation as far as R. is concerned isn't sex. I really have a whole list of things that I'm dying to ask him. I want to know what he thinks about everything from movies to religion to what microwave popcorn tastes best after it's been sitting overnight. It would be nice to be in a relationship that didn't start out as being primarily sexual. But then I'm getting ahead of myself, because I don't even know if he likes me yet....and at the rate I'm going I'll be 40 before I get up the nerve to ask him.

There's a high probability...

2004-10-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

...that this week is going to suck. I anticipate the proverbial manure to meet the blades of a rapidly rotating cooling device sometime tomorrow or Wednesday. "Why, " you ask? Well...C. finally got to see his therapist for the first time last week (two months after the "incident"). She decided, based on the effect that this has had on him and on some prior lapses in basic hygiene during visits to "dear old dad," that she should report A. to Child Protective Services for an abuse and neglect investigation. I've known about the investigation since last Thursday, but they didn't contact A. yet so that there wouldn't be any problems while C. was at his house over the weekend. I'm sure that when he gets the call from CPS he's going to be pretty pissed. He threatened to kill me when I took him to court to set up a formal custody arrangement, so I can only imagine what his response to this will be. (I'll be keeping my doors locked at all times just to be on the safe side.)

I think what kills me the most about this whole situation is that I feel guilty somehow as far as A. is concerned. I know I didn't report him; C.'s therapist took care of that for me. Beyond that, I know that if he had been more responsible from the beginning, none of this would be happening now. I just can't shake that irrational fear of "not being liked by everybody." I have a hard time remembering that I'm not responsible for A.'s happiness and it's not my job to cover for his mistakes. The only people I need to look out for are C. and myself. That doesn't do much to ease the churning in my stomach while I await the angry, threat filled phone call that's bound to come some time in the next couple of days.

On the bright side, C. really seems to like his therapist. The program he is in is all "play based." The therapist gets down on the floor with him and lets him play with whatever strikes his fancy and somehow manages to work in coping strategies and lessons about what types of behavior are acceptable. She was very nice to me, too, which was quite reassuring.

I'm sure that A. is going to dig up some nasty things to say about my parenting while he's trying to defend his actions against documentation by C.'s daycare, doctor, and therapist. Good luck. I'm actually looking forward to my chance to talk to the CPS people later this week. I know I haven't been a perfect parent, but I have always had C.'s best interest in mind and sincerely want to work out a way for A. to be a more responsible and respectable part of C.'s life.

My one little ray of light through all of this is knowing that when the week is all over, I get to go to Rochester with R. on Saturday. (Ok...R. and M. and F. and N., but R. will definitely be there, too.) I still feel really silly about the whole juvenal crush thing, but every time I've convinced myself that the situation is too absurd and that I am finally over him, I see him again and turn to mush. He said something interesting this weekend that made me think I might have a chance again. (Something about looking forward to spending time with C. in the future.) I may have exaggerated one of C.'s interests a little bit in the process of talking him up, but it's nothing a week or two of intensive study in numismatics can't fix. (JUST KIDDING!) He also offered to give me a ride home Saturday night (but M. jumped in and said he would take care of me). Maybe this will be the weekend I get the nerve up to say something...but probably not. The fantasy is still to much fun to ruin if I happen to get rejected. Ahh...the agony.

The way my stomach feels right now, I think there is a rumble going on between the "puppy-love" butterflies and the "oh, crap...something horrible is going to happen soon and there's nothing I can do about it" butterflies. Here's hoping that love really does conquer all. (God, that's even more ridiculous in print that it was in my mind....time to go to bed!) NIGHT!

No better way...

2004-09-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

...to get myself to write than to have a ton of housework to do and absolutely no desire to do it. (Procrastination RULZ!)

So, it's been a while. I kind of had a feeling I would have a little trouble updating this thing on a regular basis, but I haven't given up all hope yet. It's been a busy few weeks. I have been doing some design work for a friend in Oklahoma, and that has eaten up a lot of my free time/energy. It's definitely been worth it, though. I don't get to talk to Bob as much as I would like to, so its been nice to be in daily contact with him these past couple of weeks. (That, and he sent me some REALLY nice flowers.) I just wish I had more time and skills to devote to a project like that one, but as long as Bob is happy, I am happy.

I'm slowly working my way over the new "imaginary boyfriend." Every time i start to think about him, I just remind myself that I'm a good deal older than he is, I've got a 5 year-old son, and at the present I more closely resemble something that flopped out of the "big tank" at Sea World than your average supermodel. Don't get me wrong, I have loads of self-esteem and consider myself to be a funny, intelligent, and beautiful person....just not readily marketable to your average 21 year-old red-blooded (and red-headed) American male. I think it speaks volumes that with a couple of exceptions, all of the guys that I have dated in the past have expressed an interest in seeing me again. (Remind anyone of a Cinderella ballad?) Whether or not it winds up being R., I'm confident that there is someone out there for me. The more comfortable I become with myself, the less "in a hurry" I feel about finding someone else.

Update on C.: Things have definitely been going better now that he has started school. The sleep issues have dissapeared, now that he is so worn out after a day in our public education system. There are still outbursts, but he has at least stopped hitting and kicking, which is a major improvement. He's seeing the shrink on Wednesday, which I hope will help us work through all of this.

Hmmm....oh yeah. In other major news (although it will probably sound silly to all of you), for my one year anniversary at my job, I got..................a water cooler. Not exciting, you say. Well, you're wrong. I have been working over the past year or so to make positive changes in the way I eat. No dieting per se, but real lifestyle changes. About one year ago, I quit drinking regular soda and switched to diet. Seeing as how I was drinking about a gallon (no kidding) of soda a day, that made a huge difference in the amount of calories I was taking in. The downside is that I was still drink what amounted to a gallon of "chemical water" every day. Lots of caffeine, lots of artificial sweeteners, not much of anything else. Since the tap water around here is less than palatable, I really didn't feel like I had much choice. I asked K. if we could get a cooler at work, and after a little bugging, he relented. It's one of the nice hot/cold ones, so I can have cool, refreshing water, or a hot cup of tea. (Thanks to Patty from the Canaseraga Hardware and Coffee Company for getting me set up with such a fantastic assortment of teas and tea drinking supplies. I may never touch another bottle of soda again.) I've been drinking the tea either straight or with Splenda (God's gift to my sweet-tooth). Every now and then I'll brew up a cup of green tea and add a little honey, but all in all I think its a very positive change in the way I've been drinking. I went through about 8 gallons of water last week. Seems impossible, but better that than aspartame and artificial coloring.

I've managed to fill a trash bag between paragraphs here, but I had better get going at the house cleaining and laundry, or it will never get done. I'd like to get the dining room table cleared off so that we can actually eat there (not at the coffee table any more). We'll see. Depends on how long it takes to clean up from the aftermath of Friday afternoon's Play-Doh incident. Look out dust and dirt, here I come.

Pining so hard, I think I just sprouted a cone.

2004-08-30T23:28:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure how to get my heart onto my sleeve when it keeps getting caught somewhere around my throat. Every time I think about him I feel like something's going to burst...then I berate myself for a bit for having such an adolescent crush on someone I barely know...then I say screw it and go back to the agonizing brink of euphoria.

Unrequited love is never fair, never easy, never makes any kind of sense, but is ALWAYS nearly impossible to dismiss. Rarely for me is it so cruel. The object of my affection (now official dubbed "R." in my blog renaming system) is sort of a friend of a friend. I had made up my mind on Saturday, right after seeing him briefly at his place of employment (a business I frequent) that I might have a bit of a crush-like thing going on. Back to work, mini-fantasy here, mini-fantasy there, a little more work, and then it's time to go out with my friends. I walk into the regular weekend hangout, and who is sitting at our table but R.

The day I decide to think impure thoughts about someone I have never held more than a 3 sentence conversation with, there he sits, directly across from me for the entire evening. But he doesn't just sit there. He laughs, he speaks intelligently, he smiles (I've never found myself so drawn to someone's lips as I was to his on Saturday.), and when we move on to the next hangout, he invades my personal space and I like it. I'm not a touchy feely person. I have about a one-foot radius buffer zone around my body that is pretty close to impenetrable. Yet there I stand and feel my arm brushing against something. It's him and when I catch him in my periphery, he's taller than me. I never thought that possible, only having seen him from a distance, but he's taller than me and my arm is touching him and I don't care. Must be a fluke, so I move to the other side of the room. Within a minute my arm is touching him again. My other arm and he's still taller than me and if I think too hard about it I might just faint.

Finally a table opens up and I can sit and not worry about fainting. Drinks all around and (bombshell) he just turned 21. Great...suddenly I feel old enough to be his mother and I can't stop looking at his lips when he talks and he tells a dirty joke and his lips...oh, to be half a decade younger and remotely attractive.

I've laid my cards on the table, done the obligatory "semi-jokingly telling the mutual friend that I wish I stood a chance." Now I can only hope that somehow the secret gets out. If things work in my favor...and I'm due for some good romantic luck...then great. If not, then it was just a crush and he should be flattered that an older woman found him so attractive, while never seriously thinking there could ever be anything between them (if only).

I'd better get some sleep or it will start looking like two weeks after Christmas around here.

Oh yeah...I chopped it off..

2004-08-08T22:47:00.000-04:00

Well...you can't actually see much of my hair, but I did cut a lot off.

More adventures in parenting

2004-08-08T21:32:00.000-04:00

Well...the fun never stops. On Tuesday, I took C. to rent a movie and decided we could go to Subway for dinner. Big mistake. C. was acting like a spastic monkey, so we had to leave. I got him out of the restaurant, and he started punching and kicking me. He absolutely refused to walk home, so I wound up carrying him most of the way home over my shoulder. It was a nightmare. I didn't relent, and he spent the rest of the evening very aware that he wasn't going to get away with acting like that. So...all's well for a little while.

Thursday morning, I wake him up and he can't walk. He's freaking out and screaming that his leg hurts. There was obviously nothing wrong with it (other than maybe having slept on it wrong or something), but he almost peed all over himself because he couldn't get to the bathroom and actually stand up to pee. He just kept screaming and crying while I tried to get him dressed. I didn't get to take a shower and still didn't have C. ready when K. came to pick us up for work. There was no way for me to send him to daycare if he wasn't able to walk, so I had to take him to the shop with me. He still refused to walk and was in near hysterics for about another half an hour. I tried every psychological trick in the book (Mommy kisses, magic lotion, "we'll have to go to the doctor"). Nothing worked until he suggested that if he had breakfast and something to drink that might make him be able to walk again. It worked. He was up and about and good as new. I couldn't take him to daycare at that point because I had already told them he wouldn't be there, so he wound up going to my parents' house for the weekend. I certainly needed the break, not that I got much accomplished while he was gone.

It seems right now like textbook post-traumatic stress disorder. He's acting out, has "phantom" illnesses, his sleeping patterns changed suddenly, and even his daycare teachers have noticed a drastic change in his behavior. I am so angry that A. couldn't restrain himself enough not to hit his girlfriend in front of C. It's really frustrating that I can't get C. in to see a therapist until the end of next month, and at least until then there's nothing I can do about visitation with his father. Another couple of months of this and I'll be the one who needs a shrink.

It was actually a very relaxing weekend, though, which should help me face whatever lies ahead with C. I wound up going to the movies Thursday and Friday nights and had a little "movie night" at F.'s house on Saturday. I saw The Village with F. on Thursday....ehhh....it was ok. It was functional as a thriller and brought up some interesting things to think about, but it was no Sixth Sense. Friday, I went to see The Manchurian Candidate with M. I enjoyed that one a lot. It was one of those movies that succeeds on more levels than just telling a good story. The "look" of the movie was amazing. Some of the camera angles and photography added so much to the movie that I can't wait to watch it on dvd so that I can stop and just take in some of the visuals. Saturday night it was movie night with F., Bill, and F.'s sister-in-law. We watched Punch Drunk Love (I forced that one on everyone, but I think they liked it) and Hellboy (cheesy, but a perfect fit for it's genre).

Other than that, I've accomplished just about nothing this weekend. I got a couple of loads of laundry done and have been working on my Literati rating at Yahoo games. I might do a little more straightening up tonight, but it was nice to have the rest before what is bound to be a busy week at work.

Laundry Lovin' (in a really non-domestic way). Read this if nothing else.

2004-08-01T17:22:00.000-04:00

This is a piece of "slightly fictionized" non-fiction that I wrote a couple of years ago that I really like:

I always fall in love at the laundromat. Not that I don't fall in love in other places, but every single time I set foot into a laundromat I know that I will fall in love at some point within the following two hours.

I'm not talking crushes here, but honest to God, heart thumping, earth shattering love. Even on a slow day at odd hours, there is always someone more than willing to be the unwitting recipient of a spin and tumble's worth of my devotion. I've indulged in nerd love (glasses, slightly too slick hair, way too many monochromatic button-down short sleeved shirts), biker lust (grizzly gray streaked pony tail/beard, leather jacket, tattooed neck, basket full of grimy white t-shirts, a bottle of teddy bear brand fabric softener to take the edge off), even the occasional girl-on-girl pseudo porn college co-ed fantasy (laundry day sweat pants covering the last clean thong in the underwear drawer, sorority girl highlights pulled back into that neat/sloppy scrunchy thing I can never do with my own hair, never too hung over to sort colors and whites into their respective machines).

I linger while folding to draw out each affair as long as possible. I steal glances of biceps and tummies and backs of necks through the plastic checkerboard of a conveniently placed laundry basket. I imagine what we would do in our free time or how my head would feel nestled on their lap watching our favorite movie together. My heart breaks each time one walks out the door, oblivious to my affection.

Today (it must be fate) I have fallen for the same guy for the second time. He is so undeniably appealing in his normalcy that I'm sure if I wait long enough I will catch someone else stealing glances. Yellow shirt, non-athletic or even trendy baseball cap, glasses for the intelligent look, brown, clean-cut hair, non-descript white sneakers and an average-to-cuddly body type. There's a touch of five o'clock shadow on a very friendly face, and a cell phone on his belt that screams, "I'm a bit of a dork, but a busy one who likes to stay in touch with the world."

He's here with a woman, but they're doing their laundry very separately. Washers in different rows, and absolutely no co-mingling of their clothes. They almost don't even look like they're here together, except for the sharing of the fabric softener sheets. Somehow I know I'm much better for him than she is. I would let him share a washer, and he would let me wear his shirts around the house.

He's sitting down now, drinking a Pepsi, and I wish he would pick up something to read, so that I could gauge his interests. Occasionally he says something to his woman about his job or a trip he'll be taking. I think she's caught me peeking at him, returning my glance with a smug look of confident possession. She barely hears him, but I hang on every word.

Alas, my dryer is beeping for attention. I fold my clothes and the fantasy is over. I walk out the door secure in my knowledge that even though my heart is painfully swollen with unrequited love, within a week's worth of perspiration, dribbled food, and muddy hiking adventures with my toddler I will walk back through that door with a basket of clothes, ready to love again.

Another relatively decent weekend...except...

2004-08-01T15:23:00.000-04:00

Things went pretty well this weekend. C. and I did a lot of stuff together, but I'm still trying to give him his time to play independently. He helped me with the cooking this weekend, and we sat down and made a Spiderman 2 comic book together. My freehand artistic skills are pretty lousy, so it looks like a collaboration between a 5 year old and his 7 year old friend, but we had a lot of fun doing it.

We did have another violent outburst. This time it was over nap time. He didn't want to go to sleep, so he started punching and kicking and ramming his head into me. I'm surprised he didn't hurt himself in the process. Whenever I would block a punch or try to move him away from me, he would say I was hurting him, which is kind of scary if he decides to repeat that part to his father. I know I wasn't doing anything that would cause him any kind of pain, but he knows which buttons to push. It took me about 5 minutes to actually dial my sister's phone number with him jumping on me and pushing the buttons, but by the time T. was on the phone, he started to shape up. Something about my sister really seems to make C. want to behave. She's never been mean to him, and he actually loves to spend time with her, but he starts to behave the minute she starts lecturing him. Now he has a new threat looming over his head regarding the violence. We've explained to him before that the police will arrest men who beat up women. Now, as far as he's concerned, my sister will call the police if he ever hits me again. That seems to be doing the trick so far, and even though she would never actually do it, the threat is enough to keep him in line.

C. and I went out for Chinese food for lunch today. Watching him use chopsticks is one of the most hilarious things you could possibly imagine. He tries really hard and gets so excited when he gets more than 3 grains of rice at a time, that he winds up knocking them all off the chopsticks before they get to his mouth. We had a really good time and hopefully after his nap he'll be in a good mood to help with the French bread pizzas we'll be making for dinner.

I'm a little bit worried about a friend of mine, F. He has been in and out of depression for the past couple of months after the breakup of his first relationship since the death of his wife. This week seems to be particularly bad for him. I see a lot of myself in him, the way he constantly tries to be there for people, no matter how it affects him personally. It took me a long time to realize that you can't fully be there for other people unless you take care of yourself first. He such a nice guy, and people take advantage of his kindness way too often. It's one of those things where you wish you could protect someone from bad things, but sometimes it's better to just let them make mistakes and be there for them when they need you. I'm sure things are looking bleak, as the "Flock of Geeks" is experiencing some "membership difficulties." M. is always busy, N. is moving to Rochester soon, and I've got C., so I'm not always around when things are going on. I imagine he's feeling lonely about that on top of all of the other emotional stuff going on. I guess all I can do is let him know I'm here if he ever needs to talk.

I keep forgetting to write about my personal life here. It's kind of turned into a play-by-play of what's happening in C.'s life. I guess that could have a lot to do with the fact that not much exciting happens to me outside of work and raising my son. I haven't dated at all in the past year. At first I was kind of depressed about it, but by now I see that I'm really not ready to date again yet. There are still some things I need to work on about myself before I can really be there for another person. It's also really awkward to think about dating when it comes to C. I haven't really let him meet any of the guys I've dated, just because I don't want him to get confused or attached when I'm not sure something is going to be long term. I've had a couple of offers (nothing to get excited about, by any means), but I think for now I will be happy sticking with my "imaginary boyfriend." It's kind of a running joke among my friends that this singer from a local band is my imaginary boyfriend. It's cool, because he's a really nice guy and I get to talk to him in real life every now and then. But, it's also nice not to have the pressures of being in a relationship.

I guess that's it for now. C. is napping and I need to start some laundry and be around in case F. calls to talk. So much to do and so little time...

New advertising models

2004-07-30T16:01:00.000-04:00

We took this picture of C. and my dad on the train after our Hershey Park vacation at the end of May. I've been able to use it in a couple of ads for the print shop which makes C. feel pretty cool. (Me, too.)

C. & Opa on the train 5/23/04

On a somewhat lighter note...

2004-07-30T15:52:00.000-04:00

Here are a couple of posters that we've made at the shop recently for one of K.'s friends who does shows in the area. They are a little goofy, and you'll have to get right up on the "Jaws" one to see that it's actually Anton swimming above the shark. I wish everyone could have as much fun at work as I do.

An older "Anton" poster.

The newest "Anton" poster.

Progress Report

2004-07-30T13:50:00.000-04:00

Just a quick follow-up on the last entry:

C. wound up attacking me (as well as a 5 year old can attack an adult) on Tuesday night. I put him in time out because he wasn't picking up his toys, and then he started to punch and kick me. He's never been physically violent with me to that extent before. (Sometimes he'll grab my legs so that I can't walk, but nothing like this.) So, I made an appointment with his pediatrician on Wednesday to see if I could get a referral for couseling. One way or the other, C. really needs to have an outlet for whatever he's going through right now, and after he spends some time his Dad again, he may be "led to believe" that he can't be honest with me any more. I think that the threat of C. saying something innapropriate or damning to a counselor might help keep A. in line a bit, too. (Although he's never been known to be the most reasonable person in the room.)

The doctor's appointment went well. She seems to believe that C. saw something happen this weekend, which is somewhat vindicating for me. She wrote out a referral for him, but he's not going to be able to see anyone until late September. I had really hoped I could get him in to see someone before he goes back to A.'s, but knowing that everything has been documented with his pediatrician makes me feel better. I've got two weeks with him before he goes back to A.'s house anyway, so that should give me some quality time to help C. sort things out.

Here's hoping.

Don't know what to think

2004-07-26T21:52:00.000-04:00

They just don't make parenting books that deal with the kind of crap I've gone through with C.'s dad.

Last year, he got arrested for third degree burglary. He helped a friend rob our local Pizza Hut. Not being literate enough to understand the irony, they made off with salad, bread, and dough. Three slang terms for money and not a single dollar bill in the process. But what you steal doesn't lessen the fact that you stole stuff, so he got a couple of nights in the county lock-up.

Then there was the great lice-capade of 2004. I spent three months sterilizing my home and still picking C. up from daycare every time he returned from Dad's house. We finally sent him away to my parents home (a lice-free zone) long enough that when he went back to Daddy's house and came back with lice we could pinpoint the source.

Soon thereafter we had the "Cunabice City" saga. Some massive lapse of good judgement allowed Dad to believe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with letting a four year-old play Grand Theft Auto: Vice City on the old Playstation2 (followed shortly by instructing C. not to tell me, knowing exactly how well C. has always been able to keep a secret. (Sarcasm)). After a couple of weeks of daily questions about whether or not it was o.k. to "slice a ho's throat" and a lunchtime conference with one of our city's finest, I hopefully managed to negate any potential psychological damage.

(Did I mention that during all of this time I've been getting a bank breaking $25 per month in child support?)

Well, the (alleged) events of this weekend pretty much take the cake for me. C. had reported (to his teachers and to me) that he saw Daddy hit his girlfriend this weekend. It wasn't just "Daddy hit her," but a detailed description of a domestic abuse situation that would make any Lifetime Movie screenwriter jealous of its attention to detail and dialog. While C. has been known to tell a fib or two to push people's buttons, this story is so far out of his frame of reference that I have a hard time discounting it. Of course, Daddy denies everything, but I can't toss the situation aside so easily.

What kills me the most is being put in the position to have to doubt my kid over something so serious. If it's true, then I'm concerned for C.'s well-being. There's not much out there more damaging to a kid's psyche than witnessing domestic violence. If it's not true (which, again, I highly doubt), then I have to wonder what on Earth would make a 5 year old fabricate such a vivid story.

Dr. Spock......Dear Abby.......Bueller.......anyone?

The Complete (maybe too complete) About Me

2004-07-25T19:12:00.000-04:00

Since I have posted "about me's" in dozens of different places on the Internet, I figure I'll just cut and paste them here to give you a better idea of who I am as a person. There may be some repetition, so I'll apologize in advance (which is much nicer than just saying "tough luck.")

Here goes:
From my Fark.com personal ad (no, I'm not looking for a date):

Last great book I read
That depends on your definition of great: If you mean great as in big, then "A Beautiful Mind." If you mean great as in thought provoking to the point of physical excitement, then "Einstein's Dreams," and "The Things They Carried.
Most humbling moment
Once again...depends on the definition: If you mean humbling as in embarrassing, then the time I said "nipple sized hail" in the middle of broadcasting a baseball game on the radio because I thought we were in commercial break. (That was VERY recently). If you mean humbling as in putting the significance of my existence into perspective, then it would have to be the time I got yelled at by a woodchuck for not paying attention to him and riding my bike too closely to where he was standing enjoying his summer day.
Favorite on-screen sex scene
Anything from Beverly Hills Bimbos, Beef Strokin' Off, or Avenging Anal. (Ok...maybe not the Bimbos one.) Seriously...while they didn't "get it on" until later, it would have to be the beach scene between Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters in The Jerk.
Celebrity I resemble most
When I was 12, I used to stare at myself in the mirror as long as it took to convince myself that I looked like Jennifer Grey in Dirty Dancing, but beyond that I pretty much just look like me.
Best or worst lie I've ever told
When I was 7, I convinced my little sister that if she watered her guinea pig's grave faithfully every day it would grow a guinea pig tree. (I even planted a seed for effect.) I have since become a significantly more honest, less malicious person.
If I could be anywhere at the moment
New Orleans, the international space station, or (cheese alert...please note the sarcasm) in YOUR arms (depending on how hot you are, of course). Then there are the stressful days when I just want to be curled up in the fetal position in a pile of clothes at the bottom of my closet, but I'm working on that in therapy. ;)
Song or album that puts me in the mood
Beastie Boys "Ill Communication" or this conversational Klingon instructional tape I heard once during an intimate moment.
The five items I can't live without
1. Vital organs (not the apendix though...I haven't had one of those for years), 2. DVD player, 3. Computer, 4. Diet Dr. Pepper, 5. Tootie, my imaginary pet gopher. (This list doen not include my son, because that should just be a given.)
Fill in the blanks
Kids in the Hall is sexy; MTV's The State is sexier.
In my bedroom, you'll find
A gigantic tennis ball, glow in the dark stars and planets, a sleeping bag, and quite possibly a lost colony of incredibly tiny people living amongst the junk under my bed...I haven't been down there recently to check.
WHY YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW ME
I have curly hair at least 5 days a week. I've never had a pet pig, but I think it would be neat...if I had a bigger yard and a trough. I once played keyboards in a jazz combo, even though I'm not particularly good at playing either keyboards or jazz. I still haven't quite mastered the art of drawing a scary looking T-rex. (I usually wind up with a mildy-perturbed looking gecko.) To correctly pronounce my first name, you have to make a sound like a hissing cat. While I am neither fluent in Catalan, nor am I ambidextrous, I am quite skilled at the making of peanut butter chip brownie sundaes. I am absolutely terrified by fish, motorcycles, and the Ebola virus...but mostly fish. They're creepy!
MORE ABOUT WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR
Hmmmm...no third eye, unless you keep it well covered. Beyond that, anyone who doesn't mind hanging out with someone who is known professionally as "The Sports Princess." The ability to occasionally speak in complete sentences is also a plus.

From my match.com personal ad (no, I'm still not looking for a date, but new friends would be nice):

I am a: 28 yr old woman
located in: Southern Tier, New York, United States
looking for: Friends: 22 to 45-year old men and women within 50 miles of Southern Tier, New York, United States
relationships: Committed relationships but never married
my ethnicity: White / Caucasian
body type: A few extra pounds
height: 5’ 7” (170.2 cms)
sense of humor: Clever: Nothing’s better than a quick-witted comeback
sign: Sagittarius
About me and friends I'd like to meet
I don't want to blow it all in one clumsy introduction. Besides, I'd much rather tell you in person. Just so that I cover all of the basics : I'm fun; I have a sense of humor; I'm intelligent; I can talk sports with the best of them; I'm hard working; and I'm incredibly caring. I'll fill you in on all of the details when you let me know you're interested (but only if you want to share, too).
Interests
for fun: I read just about anything I can put my hands on. My bookshelves at home are filled with every type of literature you can imagine from the Hitchhiker's Guide (where'd I put that towel?) to Faust in the original German. That, and I'm a DVD junkie.
favorite hot spots: Hmmmm...the Canaseraga Hardware and Coffee Company has to be my favorite place to hang out on the weekends. Live music, great food, fun atmosphere. You'll find me there with my friends, "The Flock of Geeks," at least every other weekend.
favorite things: Ketchup potato chips, movies I'll never really understand no matter how often I watch them, being in direct opposition with a person who is as willing to hear my side of the story as I am to know why they feel the way they do
last read: This list gets outdated just as soon as I write it, but a sampling from the last couple of weeks: A Clockwork Orange, Pascal's Thoughts, Naked Lunch (I read it perpetually), and half a dozen short stories.
sports and exercise: Cycling, Walking / Hiking
common interests: Book club/Discussion, Movies/Videos, Museums and art, Music and concerts, Performing arts, Watching sports
favorite NBA team: Not the Hawks
Lifestyle
exercise habits: Exercise regularly
daily diet: Meat and potatoes
smoke: No Way
drink: Social drinker, maybe one or two
job: Technical / Computers / Engineering
my place: Live alone, Live with kids
have kids: Yes, and they live at home
how many: 1
want kids: Definitely
how many: 2
willing to adopt: Definitely
pets: I have: Gerbils
I don't have, but like: Cats, Dogs, Fish, Reptiles, Birds, Exotic pets, Guinea Pigs / Etc., Horses
I don't like: Fleas
Background/Values
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
faith: I am constantly seeking (and finding) ways to look at the big picture...usually in places and from people I would never expect. I'm a confirmed Lutheran, but I keep finding compelling answers to tough questions in other spiritual belief systems.
education: Associates degree, School of life
I started out as a music education major and did that for a couple of years. Wound up with a liberal arts A.A. that pretty much applies to anything I could ever want to do. I try to keep learing every day, whether or not it's in a formal setting.
languages: English, German
politics: Liberal

Yup...that should be more than anybody could possibly want to know about me. If you have any questions, though, feel free to get a hold of me or leave a comment. While I'm not exactly expecting anyone to read this, I more than open to any communication that might pop up if someone happens to find themselves here.

I survived

2004-07-25T18:57:00.000-04:00

I did a lot better than I expected on our little Erie Canal bike ride yesterday. We wound up riding just shy of 20 miles (much more than I thought I could handle), and I could have kept going if everyone hadn't wanted to call it a day. I'm not too sore today (with the notable exception of the distinct feeling of having been tag-teamed by Ron Jeremy and an exuberant adolescent donkey.........damn bike seats!). We'll see how I feel tomorrow, since it usually takes me a couple of days to get sore.

I took C. to church this morning for the wrap-up of Vacation Bible School. He was mostly well behaved, but then wound up throwing a major tantrum downtown on the way home. He's always that way when he's transitioning between his dad and I. I hate it when it happens, but I have a hard time being too upset under the circumstances. He shaped up on the walk home and when he finally made it back, I got to surprise him with his first comic book. I picked up a Marvel Age Spiderman book for him while I was in Rochester yesterday. He really seemed to enjoy it.

Now I just need to get some laundry done for next week and maybe clean up around here (you've heard that before....right?). I'll submit an entry with some cut-and-paste entries from stuff I've posted in other places on the Internet. That should substitue for my "about me" section in my profile.

Sure....I'll write every day. Really, I will.

2004-07-24T09:45:00.000-04:00

Yeah, It looks like I've been a little lax on the whole blogging thing. I could say that I've been busy, and it wouldn't be a lie, but I've also been blowing this off a bit.

Speaking of busy....it's a wonder I survived last week at all. C. had vacation bible school, so we were on the go non-stop from 7:30am until about 9:00 at night. He held up really well until Thursday, when a minor breakdown ensued. When he's ready to blow, he's ready to blow, and will sometimes pick the most ridiculous stuff to throw a tantrum over. This one was the "I will not put on my underwear" tantrum, and probably sounded pretty hilarious to the neighbors. All in all though, he did a great job with all of the activity last week.

Work has been pretty hectic recently. (Actually, it's been pretty much non-stop hustle and bustle at the print shop all year.) I finished the Drum Corps book on Friday...then I caught a huge mistake after one side of the cover had already been printed. (Yikes!) I was so nauseous that it was all I could do not to run to the bathroom and puke. Thank goodness I caught it before K. printed the other side, or it would have been a major catastrophe instead of just a moderate one.

Today is shaping up to be another busy one. (Guess who will be sleeping all day tomorrow?) I had to sing the National Anthem for Gus Macker this morning. It's been so long since I've done it, that it kind of blew. Oh well, 2 bad notes out of a whole song....I've heard worse renditions. I was really worried that I'd get caught by one of the new Sportswatch guys for an interview....and I did. It's been almost a year since I left radio, and with all of the things that have happened since I left the station, it felt really strange to be on the air again.

Alas, today has barely even started for me, even with the excitement this morning. Later on, I will be riding part of the Erie Canal Trail with F. and N.. F. has been doing 40 mile rides regularly, and N. could probably ride cross-country if she didn't have other obligations. That leaves me at the skill level equivalent of a really bad-ass three year old on a tricycle. It will be interesting to see how well I can keep up with them.

I guess that's it for now. Gotta finish up the laundry and maybe clean a little around here (yeah, right!). If you don't hear from me again, I had a heart attack on the ride...or I just got lazy with the posting again.